born and raised

'When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence'    - Thich Nhat Hanh

Music:  I would say Justin Vernon is somewhat of a musical genius.  His band, Bon Iver, is pretty special.  Click HERE to listen while you read! 

What does it take to raise our children properly?  And when are they 'raised'?  How can we measure what we've done...what they've done...and decide if they've grown up, succeeded...if we've succeeded as parents?

I think about this a lot.  And I'm always trying to gather answers from books (just finished 'Duct Tape Parenting, and I loved 'Parenting without Borders'...check my reading list HERE), and other parents, and family.  Parenting is unique and intriguing.  We're all just trying to do what we think is best, and use what we believe to be, the most effective strategies in order to prepare our children for the future.  Do we employ methods our parents used that proved to help us, and that left us with happy memories?  Do we fall into inevitable patterns and behaviors that we swore to ourselves we'd never practice?

With the fact that I'm only 4 years into parenting, new experiences, and questions, and trial and error, have been frequently arising.  It's forced me (or allowed me) to strengthen my opinions regarding methods, search deeper for more understanding, and laugh when I catch myself thinking I've figured it all out.  I have figured out a little actually, and have gathered some ideas I believe in:


Circle of Elephants

Our children do best with a strong support structure around them.  We as parents can fulfill the immediate needs of our kids.  But we can't do it all.  This is the 'it takes a village' idea.  There are so many obstacles and challenges in our children's future.  There are many hyenas trying to get at our baby elephants.  Our community is where we can find and select our other elephants that will create a circle around our calf.

Matilda with her Aunt McCall

We should look to our relatives, our friends, our schools, our neighbors, our church, our coaches and others that we trust to be part of our network.  I think this is such a healthy way to 'use' people.  And immediately that term brings up a host of negative connotations.  However, along with a love, companionship, trust, and reverence we have for these folks around us, we can also simply appreciate that they all offer wonderful and diverse perspectives, beneficial for raising our kids.  If this is a consideration of yours, you'll be able to 'use' their help.  And especially as the children grow older, they'll hopefully see some individuals in the circle as mentors, and will be able to access them on their own.




Math

There are 168 hours in a week.  How much time did you spend last week in the immediate presence of your child?  I mention 'immediate presence' because I feel strongly about our proximity, and accessibility, and availability to our children.  We can't be home, but removed.  Nearby but inaccessible.  And we can't just rely on our Circle of Elephants, before we've created a strong, healthy pack at home.

Matilda's seedlings are fragile but resilient

My daughter, Matilda was born prematurely, and needed to stay at the hospital for a month or so.  Fortunately, the hospital she was delivered in (Catholic Medical Center), was practicing 'couplet care'.  This is an evidence based best practice in maternity care, encouraging the mother and baby to be as close and together as much as possible during their stay.  I'm guessing the research and evidence with Dads is lacking...I don't see much.  And from my perspective as a single Dad, I'm starting to notice more discrepancies and cultural norms and interesting gender roles like that still present in today's world.  With that said, I still attempted to be as close to Matilda as possible, for as much time as possible...even so close as practicing 'skin-to-skin' contact when able, in order to strengthen our bond and concentrate on that connection.

Maybe we could consider Malcolm Gladwell's 10,000 hour rule, in which he proposes that we need to practice something for 10,000 hours in order to achieve mastery.  Maybe if we are around our children for that many hours...they will be 'raised'!  You see, I try to think of standard time with our children as addition.  Just add up the hours.  However, I believe in somewhat of a multiplier option.  The closer you are to your children...the more multiplication is happening.  Some might see this as 'attachment parenting'.  And by the way, the definitions for that mostly speak of a closeness for mother and child...doesn't mention as much on Dads...there's something wrong with that!  Anyhow, during the earlier

stages of the child's life, it's even more exponential.  I think we can make a single hour become 1.1 or 1.2 hours with this practice.  Another way to multiply is to think of the intensity of the experience
together.  This can be emotionally or physically.  Think about if you went rock climbing with your child for an hour...and compare that to playing Angry Birds with them for an hour.  This significance of the experience is multiplied on out.  Be careful though, a once-a-month movie date does not compete with 30 days of dinner at the table together.  It doesn't add up.

If we are around our kids for an hour before school, and lets say three hours after...is that enough?  4 hours in a given day?  Let's also say we spend more time with them on the weekend...maybe 10 hours per day.  So 20 hours on a weekend, and 20 total during the week.  That's 40 hours out of the 168 available.  This is obviously a very general estimate...maybe way low or way high for you.  But I would guess it's close to average.   Is it enough?  Is that enough time for us to reach our goals as parents?  Is it enough to raise our kids properly?

This, for me, brings in the question of schools or daycare.  If a child is on the bus, at school/daycare, attending an after school activity for 8 hours a day/ 40 hours a week...that's the same amount of time that we are spending on them...investing in them ourselves.  It must be stated that we are placing a huge responsibility...an immense pressure...on those institutions we send our children to.  At the same time, we as parents are holding a tremendous amount of trust and faith in these people and places.

Matilda made this at her pre-school.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I've been to school.  I've found amazing teachers and mentors.  I've had some bad ones.  Some helped me overcome obstacles, and challenged me, and helped me grow.  Some seemed out to lunch, cold, unavailable.  I've also taught high school English, and held other positions at schools.  I wonder if I was ever 'out to lunch'.  Oh no!  There were definitely moments when I was!  Sorry kids.  And parents.  I only say this because I'm not sure we think enough about how our kids time is spent, if our teachers are amazing...incentivized and rewarded to be such, if the administration allows that.  "It's a good school district," is what I hear from many parents...but I often wonder where that came from and if they truly know what's happening for the 40 hours a week...if their situation is truly the best use of that time.  It's such a hard question.  And what are our options?  Moving, private schooling, homeschooling, unschooling?  Maybe it's as simple as having that conversation with the teacher that you've been meaning to have.  I think these are all worth exploring.

What are your best tips for parenting?  What are the books or films that have helped you the most? Do you have a circle of elephants? Please comment, share, post, and follow if you like!



 


      

Not in my locker room

'If you do not tell the truth about yourself, you cannot tell it about other people'

- Woolf

Two days ago, on March 8, we celebrated International Women's Day.  It spurred up a lot of appreciation I have for all of the women in my life.  I thought back to the great grandmothers and grandmothers I used to have in my life.  They were all so awesome and admirable, and provided such valuable insights.  Their lives seemed to span such wide timelines and generations, soaking up all of the wisdom and knowledge from wherever they roamed.  Just looking at them, you could see that they were 'holders' of all that information...like ancient stones among us, that have rolled a little bit of everywhere. And like the trunks of trees, sturdy and unwavering, while the rest of us stemming from them, sway and swerve up in the wind. They maintained such a stoic and solid form, but now I recognize that they also put up with more stuff than warranted, and were just able to maintain that loving, caring, gentle 'Grammy' status when I was around. I miss them.

I'm also so lucky to have such a great mom that lives nearby, and 4 sisters that I appreciate.  I remember growing up...dad would be at work...and I'd look around thinking, really?  All these girls around?  I can't watch another dance recital of my younger sisters on VHS.  I can't pretend I'm in the band Heart anymore with my older sister.  I wish I had all brothers!  Well, that was just a short phase sis's, and I can't be more grateful to have gone through all that.  It has provided a wonderful foundation...a unique perspective...and a specific tide that has carried me through to today.  

Right before my daughter was born, I remember some folks asking if I was hoping for a boy...if I was looking forward to playing catch with him...teaching him basketball (the sport that has been central to my life since college).  While all those experiences sounded great, I never really had that urge, and at the time I didn't know why.  I could tell that many dads to be, or new dads...were really into that, and couldn't wait to have a junior around.  And I don't think I ever voiced that I wanted a girl over a boy, or even articulated that in my thoughts.  It was more of a subtle pull, and maybe a feeling that I'd be better prepared for a girl.  Not sure why at that moment it wasn't completely clear that growing up with four sisters might help when having a daughter.  But it did.  And when I found out 'it's a girl', I felt like Poppy when it's HUG TIME!  

Having a daughter has led me to consider new ideas, and think about equality within the sexes.  Should my daughter have the same opportunities as boys her age?  Should she be able to make the same amount of money for the same job that a male works?  Should she be comfortable and free to be strong, outspoken, or even radical?  Damn right she should.  Go do it girl!

Matilda...working on her L's...for 'radicaL'

This week, I heard a woman speaking of the 'locker room talk' subject that was such a focus during this past year's election.  I have to say this...when that term was used, I (being a man) felt generalized...grouped into this stereotype of all men that talk about women like that to other men...in areas like locker rooms.  Since then, I haven't heard any guy dispute that.  I have not gone looking online.  I'm sure those guys are out there.  I forgot about it for a while, but then hearing it again this week gave me the nudge to finally get it out.  

We don't all talk like that. Guys don't just leisurely use that language when women aren't around...at least guys that are in my circle.  Of course different social environments bring out a variety within our language.  Just as I remember speaking differently when walking in to Grammy's house.  But I just have to speak for myself here...and make it clear that I'm not in that group.  I don't talk like that...and that doesn't happen here.  Not in my locker room.

By the way, I have some reading recommendations for this topic.  Last year, I read 'We should all be Feminists', by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.  It's a great essay, directly calling to keep feminism alive, and recognize the injustices in our current landscape.  A couple of weeks ago, I read 'Men explain things to me', by Rebecca Solnit.  This is a collection of 7 essays, some of them full of hard to read statistics...and all of them helpful in understanding gender inequalities.   

Part 2:

On a lighter note, if I had a locker room...music would be there.  Music has been a huge part of my every day in the past year or so.  For some reason, I had put it away for a while.  It was something for the car, or for exercise, or mowing the lawn.  But it wasn't a focus.  More recently, I've been exploring music, learning about, diving in, looking for connections, trying to play it myself, finding more emotional responses, and constantly searching for artists to appreciate more of.  It's opened up a whole new world for me and I can't get enough.  Click HERE to listen to an artist that I think has 'it'.  

What do I mean by 'it'?  What does Shakey have that others don't?  What comes to mind for me is the ability to convey the original message or thoughts into the final product.  In other words, an artist has ideas, thoughts and feelings and creates something related to that.  However, sometimes with the tools at hand (voice, guitar, paintbrush, camera, etc.), that message may change...may be lost in translation.  And the final product, presented as a song, a poem, a painting...may not get at the original scope.  In this song...this performance...I feel that everything is brought out.  The sounds and words feel sifted through the artists own strainer.  Filtered and processed with all the right tools, at the right pace, and with all the perspective that only this artist can provide.

Maybe it's just an authenticity that I recognize, or a genuineness felt.  My words are what I feel about the art...but I cannot know the artists true desire or goals for a piece.  When I was younger, I used to try to 'figure out' a lot of songs, and always wondered, what are they really saying here, what are they going through that made them create this, who is this meant for???  What I've come to realize, and what I really love about art though, is that it's all about how it makes me feel.  It's that simple.  I think the art is simply what the artist was feeling at that given moment.  Song lyrics aren't all true or real life, they're not all attached to one person, and I don't think it's fair for the observer to determine the original meaning of the piece. We can only guess. I've found a much deeper connection by simply trying to 'feel' a song or a painting, not trying to necessarily define it.  

Anyway, I hope you feel it like I do!