how to pan for gold...in books though

'I'm wondering what to read next,' Matilda said.  'I've finished all the children's books.' - Roald Dahl

Music:  I found this artist, Jose Gonzalez, while watching the movie The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.  This song fit into the film so nicely.  It would be so cool to choose songs for a movie.  Who gets to do that?  Anyway, I highly recommend the movie and Jose's music!  Click here to listen while you read. 

As I mentioned on my Reading List, there are some books that I just know...I don't need the whole thing.  I just want the small bits of gold that apply to me.  I only use this technique for non-fiction works.  Obviously, I want the entire story within a novel and don't recommend 'panning' a piece of fiction.  

In much of what I've found within non-fiction, an author does some great, focused research related to what they want to write.  They then present it in a way that works for them.  They also have to tell somewhat of a story with it...present it in a way that flows nicely for the reader...and usually attach some case studies (anecdotes about people applying the book's theories).  Sometimes, I can tell that I love everything about the idea and everything related.  In that case, I take it all in.  

What is she thinking?  Where is she traveling?

On the other hand...and actually most of the time...I don't want all the extra fluff.  I take the author's unspoken word that their idea works for the case studies presented.  Just be careful with this, because they're obviously not going to tell you stories when their information is arbitrary or ineffective.  That would be counter-intuitive.  I rely on myself though, to find the valuable nuggets of information, the ones that apply to me, and discern as to whether or not I agree or disagree with them.  This usually takes me 10-15 minutes, which means I can 'pan' one book a day!  Here's what I do:

1.  The first thing I do is read the title and author.  Duh!

2.  Then, I go in the back sleeve and find 'about the author'.  I like knowing the background information of the architect here.  They might have been fed from a silver spoon...might have 5 kids...or none...might have run some marathons...might enjoy their gun collection...or live off the grid.  What I also find here are websites related to their cause, or that they recommend.  

3.  Find the Table of Contents, look over it quickly to see what stands out to you, then dog ear the page.  You might be returning to this page a bunch.  

4.  Get a blank piece of paper, or notebook, or journal...and a writing utensil.  #2 Ticonderoga pencil is my go-to.  That was a joke.

5.  Here is where you start panning for gold!  First, check the end of chapter 1 for a 'review' or 'summary' or 'wrap up'.  Some authors use this for each chapter, and it's so helpful for us as gold panners.  If so, simply jump to each one of these, and write anything down you feel you need.  Here's an example of a quick review from How to Talk to Anyone, by Leil Lowndes:

Since all of the gold had a grey background in this book, it was easy to spot. All the other writing was a longer hand version of this...and stories of when her friends tried this. Unnecessary! 

You may find a piece of information that you want more of in that summary.  If you do, just go back through the chapter quickly, looking for the terms that apply, and just take what you need.

If the chapters don't have the summaries, you'll have to work a little harder.  But all you have to do is rotate your pan in the water, sifting and scanning for information relative to you.  Most of the time there are bold letters, or headings that will help in your search.  

Always use the dog-eared Table of Contents to keep you guided throughout, and as a reference for what to find... and where.  

You may write down a lot.  You may just write down 2 bullets of information...2 nuggets of gold.  You may have a photographic memory and not have to write anything down.  It's up to you.  Since my own memory is more bronze than gold, I do have to write something down.  I also enjoy having a folder in my drawer where I keep my 'sheets of gold'.  I know that I can quickly go back and find what I wrote down...access the inspiring notes to keep me practicing a new habit...or find that author I liked to help me find that other book he or she wrote.  Here is an example of one of my sheets of gold (from the book Raising a Self-Reliant Child by Alanna Levine):

I simply write the title and author on top, and then some notes below.  My handwriting should tell you that I'm doing this fast.  Hopefully, I can read it when I go back to it!

Here's another one with less notes.  It's from the book 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans, by Karl Pillemer:

That's it!  Again, this takes 10-15 minutes, and you can pan a book a day! You'll be rich before you know it.  Think of all of the great research you can access...the great authors and innovative thinkers...the people who have failed and then found the most effective ways to succeed...the parents who know what works.  You can use all of their blueprints.  It's very handy.  By the way...I've spent a lot of money on education up to this point.  I'm very happy I did, and I'll probably continue to do more.  However, all of this gold panning I've been doing...all of the 'acquisition of knowledge'...has been totally free, from my public library!   A guy I play basketball with told me, 'that works just as good...all the greatest minds in history are right there on the shelf.'  Nicely put right?  Thanks Matt!

This is your pass to free gold!

One last note...often I email the author, thanking them, and letting them know that their information was helpful.  Sometimes their email address is in the 'About the Author' section.  If not, some quick Googling can usually find it.  I think they deserve the gratitude.  I also see it as networking, and connecting with these folks I have a lot of respect for.  You can consider them mentors in absentia...and think of them as part of your own Circle of Elephants that I mentioned in another blog post.

I've been surprised at the emails I get in return.  Most of the time it's a secretary or publicist that writes me back, telling me they'll forward my message on.  Sometimes though, the author writes back, happy to hear from a reader.  And now you have a specialist in your contact list!  Last week, I was happily exchanging emails with Jack Welch, the former CEO of General Electric.  Someday, I might want to ask him a business question...and it's fun to know that he might actually respond!  I'm still waiting to hear from Warren Buffett.

Good luck in your journey finding and becoming gold!


Please 'follow by email' below if you enjoyed this piece.  Or click the 'follow' button if you're a fellow gmailer.  Thanks for your time!

born and raised

'When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence'    - Thich Nhat Hanh

Music:  I would say Justin Vernon is somewhat of a musical genius.  His band, Bon Iver, is pretty special.  Click HERE to listen while you read! 

What does it take to raise our children properly?  And when are they 'raised'?  How can we measure what we've done...what they've done...and decide if they've grown up, succeeded...if we've succeeded as parents?

I think about this a lot.  And I'm always trying to gather answers from books (just finished 'Duct Tape Parenting, and I loved 'Parenting without Borders'...check my reading list HERE), and other parents, and family.  Parenting is unique and intriguing.  We're all just trying to do what we think is best, and use what we believe to be, the most effective strategies in order to prepare our children for the future.  Do we employ methods our parents used that proved to help us, and that left us with happy memories?  Do we fall into inevitable patterns and behaviors that we swore to ourselves we'd never practice?

With the fact that I'm only 4 years into parenting, new experiences, and questions, and trial and error, have been frequently arising.  It's forced me (or allowed me) to strengthen my opinions regarding methods, search deeper for more understanding, and laugh when I catch myself thinking I've figured it all out.  I have figured out a little actually, and have gathered some ideas I believe in:


Circle of Elephants

Our children do best with a strong support structure around them.  We as parents can fulfill the immediate needs of our kids.  But we can't do it all.  This is the 'it takes a village' idea.  There are so many obstacles and challenges in our children's future.  There are many hyenas trying to get at our baby elephants.  Our community is where we can find and select our other elephants that will create a circle around our calf.

Matilda with her Aunt McCall

We should look to our relatives, our friends, our schools, our neighbors, our church, our coaches and others that we trust to be part of our network.  I think this is such a healthy way to 'use' people.  And immediately that term brings up a host of negative connotations.  However, along with a love, companionship, trust, and reverence we have for these folks around us, we can also simply appreciate that they all offer wonderful and diverse perspectives, beneficial for raising our kids.  If this is a consideration of yours, you'll be able to 'use' their help.  And especially as the children grow older, they'll hopefully see some individuals in the circle as mentors, and will be able to access them on their own.




Math

There are 168 hours in a week.  How much time did you spend last week in the immediate presence of your child?  I mention 'immediate presence' because I feel strongly about our proximity, and accessibility, and availability to our children.  We can't be home, but removed.  Nearby but inaccessible.  And we can't just rely on our Circle of Elephants, before we've created a strong, healthy pack at home.

Matilda's seedlings are fragile but resilient

My daughter, Matilda was born prematurely, and needed to stay at the hospital for a month or so.  Fortunately, the hospital she was delivered in (Catholic Medical Center), was practicing 'couplet care'.  This is an evidence based best practice in maternity care, encouraging the mother and baby to be as close and together as much as possible during their stay.  I'm guessing the research and evidence with Dads is lacking...I don't see much.  And from my perspective as a single Dad, I'm starting to notice more discrepancies and cultural norms and interesting gender roles like that still present in today's world.  With that said, I still attempted to be as close to Matilda as possible, for as much time as possible...even so close as practicing 'skin-to-skin' contact when able, in order to strengthen our bond and concentrate on that connection.

Maybe we could consider Malcolm Gladwell's 10,000 hour rule, in which he proposes that we need to practice something for 10,000 hours in order to achieve mastery.  Maybe if we are around our children for that many hours...they will be 'raised'!  You see, I try to think of standard time with our children as addition.  Just add up the hours.  However, I believe in somewhat of a multiplier option.  The closer you are to your children...the more multiplication is happening.  Some might see this as 'attachment parenting'.  And by the way, the definitions for that mostly speak of a closeness for mother and child...doesn't mention as much on Dads...there's something wrong with that!  Anyhow, during the earlier

stages of the child's life, it's even more exponential.  I think we can make a single hour become 1.1 or 1.2 hours with this practice.  Another way to multiply is to think of the intensity of the experience
together.  This can be emotionally or physically.  Think about if you went rock climbing with your child for an hour...and compare that to playing Angry Birds with them for an hour.  This significance of the experience is multiplied on out.  Be careful though, a once-a-month movie date does not compete with 30 days of dinner at the table together.  It doesn't add up.

If we are around our kids for an hour before school, and lets say three hours after...is that enough?  4 hours in a given day?  Let's also say we spend more time with them on the weekend...maybe 10 hours per day.  So 20 hours on a weekend, and 20 total during the week.  That's 40 hours out of the 168 available.  This is obviously a very general estimate...maybe way low or way high for you.  But I would guess it's close to average.   Is it enough?  Is that enough time for us to reach our goals as parents?  Is it enough to raise our kids properly?

This, for me, brings in the question of schools or daycare.  If a child is on the bus, at school/daycare, attending an after school activity for 8 hours a day/ 40 hours a week...that's the same amount of time that we are spending on them...investing in them ourselves.  It must be stated that we are placing a huge responsibility...an immense pressure...on those institutions we send our children to.  At the same time, we as parents are holding a tremendous amount of trust and faith in these people and places.

Matilda made this at her pre-school.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I've been to school.  I've found amazing teachers and mentors.  I've had some bad ones.  Some helped me overcome obstacles, and challenged me, and helped me grow.  Some seemed out to lunch, cold, unavailable.  I've also taught high school English, and held other positions at schools.  I wonder if I was ever 'out to lunch'.  Oh no!  There were definitely moments when I was!  Sorry kids.  And parents.  I only say this because I'm not sure we think enough about how our kids time is spent, if our teachers are amazing...incentivized and rewarded to be such, if the administration allows that.  "It's a good school district," is what I hear from many parents...but I often wonder where that came from and if they truly know what's happening for the 40 hours a week...if their situation is truly the best use of that time.  It's such a hard question.  And what are our options?  Moving, private schooling, homeschooling, unschooling?  Maybe it's as simple as having that conversation with the teacher that you've been meaning to have.  I think these are all worth exploring.

What are your best tips for parenting?  What are the books or films that have helped you the most? Do you have a circle of elephants? Please comment, share, post, and follow if you like!



 


      

Not in my locker room

'If you do not tell the truth about yourself, you cannot tell it about other people'

- Woolf

Two days ago, on March 8, we celebrated International Women's Day.  It spurred up a lot of appreciation I have for all of the women in my life.  I thought back to the great grandmothers and grandmothers I used to have in my life.  They were all so awesome and admirable, and provided such valuable insights.  Their lives seemed to span such wide timelines and generations, soaking up all of the wisdom and knowledge from wherever they roamed.  Just looking at them, you could see that they were 'holders' of all that information...like ancient stones among us, that have rolled a little bit of everywhere. And like the trunks of trees, sturdy and unwavering, while the rest of us stemming from them, sway and swerve up in the wind. They maintained such a stoic and solid form, but now I recognize that they also put up with more stuff than warranted, and were just able to maintain that loving, caring, gentle 'Grammy' status when I was around. I miss them.

I'm also so lucky to have such a great mom that lives nearby, and 4 sisters that I appreciate.  I remember growing up...dad would be at work...and I'd look around thinking, really?  All these girls around?  I can't watch another dance recital of my younger sisters on VHS.  I can't pretend I'm in the band Heart anymore with my older sister.  I wish I had all brothers!  Well, that was just a short phase sis's, and I can't be more grateful to have gone through all that.  It has provided a wonderful foundation...a unique perspective...and a specific tide that has carried me through to today.  

Right before my daughter was born, I remember some folks asking if I was hoping for a boy...if I was looking forward to playing catch with him...teaching him basketball (the sport that has been central to my life since college).  While all those experiences sounded great, I never really had that urge, and at the time I didn't know why.  I could tell that many dads to be, or new dads...were really into that, and couldn't wait to have a junior around.  And I don't think I ever voiced that I wanted a girl over a boy, or even articulated that in my thoughts.  It was more of a subtle pull, and maybe a feeling that I'd be better prepared for a girl.  Not sure why at that moment it wasn't completely clear that growing up with four sisters might help when having a daughter.  But it did.  And when I found out 'it's a girl', I felt like Poppy when it's HUG TIME!  

Having a daughter has led me to consider new ideas, and think about equality within the sexes.  Should my daughter have the same opportunities as boys her age?  Should she be able to make the same amount of money for the same job that a male works?  Should she be comfortable and free to be strong, outspoken, or even radical?  Damn right she should.  Go do it girl!

Matilda...working on her L's...for 'radicaL'

This week, I heard a woman speaking of the 'locker room talk' subject that was such a focus during this past year's election.  I have to say this...when that term was used, I (being a man) felt generalized...grouped into this stereotype of all men that talk about women like that to other men...in areas like locker rooms.  Since then, I haven't heard any guy dispute that.  I have not gone looking online.  I'm sure those guys are out there.  I forgot about it for a while, but then hearing it again this week gave me the nudge to finally get it out.  

We don't all talk like that. Guys don't just leisurely use that language when women aren't around...at least guys that are in my circle.  Of course different social environments bring out a variety within our language.  Just as I remember speaking differently when walking in to Grammy's house.  But I just have to speak for myself here...and make it clear that I'm not in that group.  I don't talk like that...and that doesn't happen here.  Not in my locker room.

By the way, I have some reading recommendations for this topic.  Last year, I read 'We should all be Feminists', by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.  It's a great essay, directly calling to keep feminism alive, and recognize the injustices in our current landscape.  A couple of weeks ago, I read 'Men explain things to me', by Rebecca Solnit.  This is a collection of 7 essays, some of them full of hard to read statistics...and all of them helpful in understanding gender inequalities.   

Part 2:

On a lighter note, if I had a locker room...music would be there.  Music has been a huge part of my every day in the past year or so.  For some reason, I had put it away for a while.  It was something for the car, or for exercise, or mowing the lawn.  But it wasn't a focus.  More recently, I've been exploring music, learning about, diving in, looking for connections, trying to play it myself, finding more emotional responses, and constantly searching for artists to appreciate more of.  It's opened up a whole new world for me and I can't get enough.  Click HERE to listen to an artist that I think has 'it'.  

What do I mean by 'it'?  What does Shakey have that others don't?  What comes to mind for me is the ability to convey the original message or thoughts into the final product.  In other words, an artist has ideas, thoughts and feelings and creates something related to that.  However, sometimes with the tools at hand (voice, guitar, paintbrush, camera, etc.), that message may change...may be lost in translation.  And the final product, presented as a song, a poem, a painting...may not get at the original scope.  In this song...this performance...I feel that everything is brought out.  The sounds and words feel sifted through the artists own strainer.  Filtered and processed with all the right tools, at the right pace, and with all the perspective that only this artist can provide.

Maybe it's just an authenticity that I recognize, or a genuineness felt.  My words are what I feel about the art...but I cannot know the artists true desire or goals for a piece.  When I was younger, I used to try to 'figure out' a lot of songs, and always wondered, what are they really saying here, what are they going through that made them create this, who is this meant for???  What I've come to realize, and what I really love about art though, is that it's all about how it makes me feel.  It's that simple.  I think the art is simply what the artist was feeling at that given moment.  Song lyrics aren't all true or real life, they're not all attached to one person, and I don't think it's fair for the observer to determine the original meaning of the piece. We can only guess. I've found a much deeper connection by simply trying to 'feel' a song or a painting, not trying to necessarily define it.  

Anyway, I hope you feel it like I do!

3 ways to kill a bug

‘We learn best at the edge of comfort’

That bug that’s out there...the one that’s going around?  It somehow found it’s way into our house.  Maybe it crawled down the chimney.  Or perhaps around a window that was flashed incorrectly.

Symptoms (in order of appearance):  headache, sore throat, fever, chills, body aches, cough, wheezing, stuffy/runny nose, belly ache, throwing up.  These are what Matilda (my 4-year-old daughter) has been dealing with since last week.  On her second day in, I started in with the same symptoms.  Because it was so prevalent in our week, I figured I’d write about it, in hopes of tuning in to what’s going on.

In a way, I wish meteorologists and doctors would convene and create a radar...a doppler of sorts, in which we could see colds, flus, viruses, etc. approaching with real time data.  Severity of sickness could be articulated through saturation of color.  With luck, we could have Al Kaprilian warning us of an amplitudinal viral jet stream, approaching from the west.  We’d have time to check our medicine cabinets and make a vegetable soup.  Click HERE for a little fun with Al.

We all handle being under the weather a little differently.  I’ve been told by many females however, that men are total wimps when it comes to being sick.  At the first sign of a scratchy throat, men are all...can you get me the Nyquil babe...is that Tiger Balm still in there...can you rub it on my chest...and compresses and humidifiers and can you just take care of the kids for a while and thermometers and pseudoephedrine and if I just lay and watch this game I’ll probably get better sooner and tissues everywhere and annoying salt water gargling and snorting and clearing of throats that is all completely unnecessary.

My sister was telling me about a great line she noticed online stating that ‘during labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels when he has a fever.’

While I like to think that I go unphased when the bug comes around, and keep checking off items on the to-do list even when the coughs commence, I am more likely very affected by illness, and possibly play the part of a wimp.  I have found some ways to cope though, and I hope they help you!  Here are 3 ways to kill a bug:

1. Acknowledgment/Awareness - My mom used to say if you pretend you’re not sick, you won’t be.  While I believe in mind over matter in some instances (more on that in #2), this one hasn’t worked for me.  I’ve found though, that an initial lowering of expectations for myself is healthy.  I can’t just power through.  With age comes a better understanding of our own boundaries and limitations, the ability to say ‘no’ when needed, and a self-awareness that connects us to the ebb and flow present in all of the natural world.  There will always be suffering and prosperity...storms and sun...strep and a clean bill of health.  Too often, we live with a desire for a life free from suffering.  When we hit a wall or find a bug though (which will happen), we define it as a failure, or as ‘unsuccessful’, and discover negative emotions threaded there.  In that world, success...and everything desired...is fleeting.  Intangible.  I’ve found that an acknowledgment and acceptance of all the good and bad unlocks doors to rooms, all containing joy and happiness.  Mindfulness and meditation are probably the most effective keys for those locks.
2. Nip it in the bud - When I was teaching, I once had this hilarious student.  He pulled out a huge tomato in class and started eating it like an apple.  I thought he was putting on another show, and I asked ‘what are you doing?’  He said his mom told him that eating tomatoes at the start of a cold will stop it in its tracks.  She packed him 3 massive heirlooms for the day.  Just 3 tomatoes.  So while juice and seeds spewed across the classroom, he held the biggest tomato eating grin on his face...and he was fine!  It’s science.  Actually, I believe science has proven that zinc, taken at the onset, can shorten the common cold.  But you’ll have to look that up on the world wide interwebs.  This is where I believe in mind over matter though.  Whatever you do, do it early, and commit to believing in it, even if your significant other thinks you’re ridiculous.  Down your excessive amount of vitamin C.  Pop those echinacea pills.  Teachers...turn your Airborne tablets to fizz, and tap dance into your classroom.  This is simply a habit that you’ll form...a commitment to a routine that, in your mind, is helpful and productive.  You may even be able to convince others that your crazy concoction is the elixir of life.
3. TLC - If you listen to the song ‘Waterfalls’ by the group TLC during sickness, you will greatly… You didn’t honestly fall for that did you???  Please tell me you did.  It will make my day!  This one isn’t for your ‘self’...it’s for others.  TLC stands for tender loving care, for all you cold-hearted curmudgeons out there.  When someone around you isn’t feeling 100, take it down a notch, provide a softer shoulder, be careful (that’s ‘full of care’), be mindful, and generous.  It will come back to you in unforeseeable manifestations.  As a dad, one of the most fulfilling responsibilities for me has been taking care of Matilda when she’s needy.  I love being attentive and able to sooth and comfort when I can.  I feel very fortunate and grateful for that.  Having one child has allowed me to be more present.  Knowing my own abilities, I wouldn’t be as effective with more children.  I have a great appreciation and respect for you parents with multiple children.  When I feel overwhelmed, I sometimes think of some of you, and find inspiration there.  

When the bug gets in our houses...when we have what’s ‘going around’, we can learn much about ourselves and others.  We can find teachable moments for our children...with limits and boundaries...with pain and acceptance...with a tissue over a sleeve.  

A college professor once told me we learn best when at the edge of comfort, and that I should try to find contentment there...and sit there often. I can't thank that professor enough for this. That edge of comfort is a place where our needs are met, but where we are frequently challenged.

Let us all walk that edge carefully, holding the hands of our children, being deliberate and delicate with every step.

If you enjoyed this piece, please consider subscribing and use the ‘follow by email’ bar below.  If you have gmail or blogger, you can use the ‘Follow’ button.  Thanks!