dear dad

'fathers be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do'  - john mayer

fäT͟Hər:  a man in relation to his natural child or children

Dear dad,


today is a celebration of you...of all the characteristics and actions you take on in your parental role.  There is probably no greater responsibility in this world, so I hope you've taken the entire journey seriously.  And even considering that I'm now 37 years old, your job isn't done.  You can't retire from this one.  I need more from you.  I'm going to ask for more help and advice in the future...and your related position as a grandfather is just beginning.  

Concord monitor photo - White Park - circa 1982 - fundamentals 

Thinking of when you began the dad journey, I often wonder what you were thinking then...if you planned it out...how you anticipated the experience.  Did you put money aside...try to work extra hours?  Did you want a boy?  Were you nervous as hell?

I know that when I found out I was going to become a dad, a sway of emotions overtook me.  And I immediately came to, 'ok, how the heck am I going to do this?'  I read some books, inquired with other parents, and planned out many ideas...like my daughter will only eat fully organic foods, mixed up in this trendy new blender, and...I will only put reusable diapers on my daughters bum, and...I need to open a bank account for Matilda's college fund asap!  However, I found that some of these efforts were unrealistic.  Some too lofty.  And some came from advice from parents who made a ton of mistakes themselves.  In the end, we're all 'winging it' as parents.  Doing the best we can...and practicing a lot of on-the-job training.  No one knows all of the answers.  And many of the answers work only for specific children, or at specific times.  Therefore, we can all judge a little less harshly.  

presence

So dad, whatever you did during that time?  It's great.  You probably made some tough decisions and came through with some great execution.  I thank you so much for that!  You probably made a ton of mistakes...and you know what?  I forgive you for all of them.  I mean, look how I turned out!

I believe it's easy for parents to get caught up in the details of what they must do in order for their kids to be the best on the block.  I find myself wrapped up in that all too often.  But if we step back and take a more general perspective, understanding that parents are more than the sum of all of their parts, we can cherish dearly the fact that our simple 'presence' within our children's lives is what can contribute to a successful cultivation, an overall healthier society, and a fulfilled 'next' generation.

Mom, Dad, and the Tilly Monster - this makes me happy

After all dad, I don't remember you teaching me how to shave.  I do remember eating McDonalds after some of my basketball games.  I'm not sure if you showed me how to tie my shoes with the one loop method or if that was someone else.  But I can't remember a time when you weren't present in my life.  You were always either there, or one simple thought away from being there.  I've always known where you were...or at least thought I did.  I can always think in my mind where you most likely are.  That must be so significant!  37 years of that presence.  That takes effort, and unconditional love, and careful attention.  That describes effective communication, and respect, and integrity, and strong morals and values. 

Matilda's 2nd Easter...with her Grampa

the next phase...grandparenting

Sometimes I wonder how I became a certain way, or came to understand something, or why I believe in particular ideas, or practice parenting how I do.  I have to conclude that your presence has greatly contributed to that.  And again, many of these things seem to have been passed down with no direct speaking of, no detailed lesson taught (even though there were those too).  No, this feels more like a security that I was afforded and a comfort that I was allowed...in which I was able to grow and learn and start holding things as my own.  Thank you.  

I honestly do hope to be as good of a dad to Matilda as you've been to me.  There will be so many things I do differently though, and I know that's ok.  I am trying to use that 'presence' though...and will continue.  Time will tell!


                                                                                  your son,
                                                                                  james   







Music:  I love this song...and it does have some 'Dad' connections within it.  Enjoy!

yes no maybe so

'your life changes the moment you make a new, congruent, and committed decision' 

-Tony Robbins

When the details on the surface are wiped
away...what is left

There are times in our life when we have to make a decision.  We find ourselves standing at a crossroads with options in front of us.  A typical crossroads would determine that we would have three options or choices.  Picture driving up to an actual intersection of roads. It's best to think of west.  The desert, tumbleweed, cacti, cactuses?  Both are accepted.  This setting just feels more serene and secluded.  And it's just cool. No one is there to witness your decision.  It is just you and this place and the road you choose.  You can take a left, go straight, or take a right...3 choices.  Maybe a good way to use this analogy would be to match up each choice of road with an answer to the question, 'should I do this?'  Of course 'this' can fit whatever situation you may have in your life.  With 3 choices of roads, road 1 is YES!  Road 2 is NO!  Road 3 is OTHER or MAYBE SO.

Road 1

She could make a new road with this!

I think whenever we are asking ourselves 'should I do this', it's usually because we already have a hunch that we want to do it.  'Go with your gut', 'follow your instincts', 'lead with your heart', are all phrases that tell us we already know the answer.  Yes is the answer.  We know what we'd like to do, and deep down we know what we desire.  However, before we commit ourselves to road 1, we are faced with obstacles like fear and insecurity that will ostensibly reveal that this decision was a bad choice.  That's terrible and very sad.  I think everyone needs more of road 1 in their life.  Be more of a 'yes man', and stop turning everything down.  Embrace change and moving forward.  Covet growth and the learning process, especially when you find yourself on the edge of comfort.  Many of us talk about our passions and what we truly want to be doing.  We describe it to others.  We visualize it in vivid detail.  We think about how it will all play out in the future.  But then we don't act.  This is why some psychologists have found that we shouldn't actually talk about our goals.  By speaking about them, and receiving feedback from others, we actually feel a sense of accomplishment and we lose the passion, the edge, the motivation we once had.  This has happened to me many times.  It's hard because we want to share our passion with others.  We want to bounce ideas.  Maybe we should just share the tip of the iceberg...or bounce one small ball to someone.  Don't spill it before acting on it.  When is the best time to start acting on your passions?  Right now.  Immediately.  The clock is ticking.  

'Do what you want' sounds negative and detached but if I teach and use effective language, I can help Matilda hold onto 'acting on her desires'.  It's really the same thing.  When we're young, it's natural for us.  But much like creativity, we tend to lose it along the road

Road 2
Being a 'yes man' and taking road 1 on your decisions can bring you places you never dreamed of.  However, there are often times when we have to say 'no'.  Maybe you're just done spending time with a certain person...maybe your schedule is full...maybe you're just wiped out from being the challenges of parenting.  All these are totally justifiable.  I've learned that 'no' doesn't have to be negative.  If we communicate to others our feelings and/or reasons along with our 'no', we should be comfortable and content in our position to turn something down.  Withing my business, I now notice myself saying 'no' more often.  I always try to say 'yes' and take road 1 when people have requests.  But for a variety of reasons, sometimes I turn things down.  In the past, I felt guilty or insecure about this.  But that doesn't hold any weight.  I tell myself that if I can't commit wholeheartedly to this decision, it won't work out for either party.  Therefore, taking Road 2 can be understood as the best decision for all involved.  Road 2 shouldn't be as worn and trodden as road 1, but don't be afraid to lay new tracks when warranted.    

'I'm not ready to be done Dad.  I don't want to leave yet' is a phrase that I cherish and honor when I can.
She's taking Road 2, and saying 'no' to being done with something.

Road 3
Sometimes we can't commit to a yes or no right now.  We aren't ready to.  I actually use road 3 often.  I'm not so great at deciding on things right away.  I like to ruminate on the idea for a while...sleep on it in a sense.  I have come to realize that spontaneity is powerful and rewarding, and have started implementing that more in my day to day.  However, on some big decisions, I still hold value in deliberate consideration, weighing pros and cons over time and as I think of them, and documenting thoughts in a journal, before making a final choice.  While mulling over an idea for a couple of days, an important variable will often arise that easily determines the outcome for me.  It's like a subtle, 'did you consider this?'  And I will know right then and there whether it's road 1 or 2 that I'm taking.  Road 3 seems to be a loop around that brings you back to the same intersection later on.  It allows some soul searching, some road tripping, and a few pit stops to get your bearings and reassess your current location/situation.  

Maybe you have to let some time pass before you become close with that special someone.  Perhaps you're waiting for them to work something out on their end.  

You may need to save some money up, or line up your budget differently first.  

Maybe you feel overwhelmed and need to put a decision on the back burner until you feel more centered.  

Decision making at the Scoop Deck

What would you choose?  I go with something different every visit

Whatever it may be, we all have reasons to take road 3 at certain crossroads.  As I spoke of in the Road 2 section...be confident and content with your choice to wait on the decision.  It's not a 'non-decision'...it's a decision to wait, and lock in to something when you are totally ready to do so.  With the quick pace of our lives, I'm often telling Matilda, 'let's go, make a decision quickly!'  But I try to catch myself...thinking wait...she can have all the time she wants to make a decision (within reason)!  I believe it will strengthen the ground she stands on, and empower her ability to make wise and timely decisions for the rest of her life.  



Be aware of your surroundings when you come to a crossroads.  Simply pay attention to your emotions and the physical changes taking place.  Take a breath before accelerating down the next road.  Remember, each and every even small decision will set your life onto a different path...possibly a different plane.  So choose wisely!  I wish you the best in your decision making!

The sun is on me...and it feels good.  

Music:  Kaleo is a band that started in Iceland.  That might contribute to their unique sound.  I often forget about them for a while, and then hear them on the radio.  The sound is always intriguing...and since I don't own any of their music, I always go home and put on some of their live stuff.  Matilda and I caught them live at the Newburyport Riverfront Music Festival last year.  They rock!  Give this song a listen!

en·tre·pre·neur äntrəprəˈnər

'the most dangerous thing you can do in life is play it safe' - Casey Neistat

Sit down.  Don't talk.  Raise your hand.  Stay in line.  Don't be late.  Quiet down.  Put that away.  Share.  Read this.  Watch that.  You can eat now.  Play like this.  Don't speak out.  Settle down.  Be prepared. 

This is what our kids are told...time and time again.  What must become slowly and steadily ingrained is the idea that they should all conform, follow the crowd, learn how everyone else does, choose a career, spend a lot of money to study within that field with a college education, find a company to work for, and work...so that you can afford things like a car and a house and a latte...then, they will be successful. 

Are we introducing and exposing our children to enough entrepreneurial ideas to truly let them know about other options they may have?  At Concord High School, I can remember one single unit within I believe an Economics class.  Mr. Denoncourt worked so hard with us to help us pronounce the word en-tre-pre-neur.  I said it wrong until college.  I don't remember a single thing from that unit we studied however...but I'm sure it was thorough in explaining the option for citizens to...yippee! start your own business!  You could make and sell cookies with your mom, or you could design a tshirt, and sell it out of the trunk of your car.  I'm sure the text book detailed some of the easier fields to enter as a business starter, like construction, landscaping, or dog walking.  I'm sure one of the bolded subject headings was 'be your own boss', and we probably discussed as a class the pros and cons to running your own company.  Mr Denoncourt was genuine in his efforts, I am sure.  But all I remember is äntrəprəˈnər.  

Considering the loyalty once involved in working for a company, and the lack of commitment and loyalty in present times, we owe it to our kids to expose them to more.  One unit is not enough.  I'm sure there was more within my high school curriculum and I just missed it...I was in a fog most of the time.  But I know there wasn't enough.  

Years ago, one could be very secure in choosing a company to work for, sticking with that job for many years, and then retiring with a good sized pension to ride off into the sunset with.  It is not the same today.  It's predicted that our youngest workers will hold around 12-15 jobs in their lifetime.  It's also commonly noted that the average worker will make 5-7 career changes during there career.  It is simply a very different workplace.



Speak out.  Hustle.  Grind.  Don't sleep.  Find a loophole.  Challenge authority. The time is right now.  Make your own line to stand in.  You are creative.  Develop grit.  Ask more questions.  Better questions.  Come up with ideas.  More than that.  Start something now.  Take the risk.  Don't seek comfort.  Don't listen to me.  Do whatever the #%@$ you want to do, whenever the #%@$ you want to do it.  

What if these were some ideas we showered our kids with?  That's it...I'm starting a school, and the paragraph above will serve as the uncommon core curriculum.  The mission statement will have to be, 'do whatever the #%@$ you want to do, whenever the #%@$ you want to do it'.  When I step back and think, that phrase can simply define success like no other.  Children and adults alike could find so much happiness and success by first searching, finding, discovering, and identifying their own passions and loves...and then working, playing, and living within those areas as much as possible.  I'm not sure our schools, our communities, our parents, our culture is set up for that.  

I want my daughter Matilda to know that there are many paths.  And that she has many choices.  She'll be able to pronounce entrepreneur this year.  I'm going to introduce her to my uncommon curriculum...though I might leave out the do whatever you want part for now.  I'm still figuring this parenting thing out.  She will though, be able to dream something up, take a risk, and even fail, knowing that she'll have help to get up and find a different way.

In the short term, we're starting a small farm stand called The Grower's Daughter.  Matilda is very excited about this.  She'll be selling some plants we started from seed, some breads that we made, cookies, vegetables and honey in the Fall, and whatever else comes to mind.  The Grand Opening is tomorrow from 11-1pm at our house...so please stop by to say hello!  I'm hoping that this new adventure will play a small part in helping her develop some skills, passion, and even some hustle.  



Music:  Here is a beautiful song called Cherry Wine by Hozier.  It actually raised awareness and funds for domestic violence.  Enjoy!

gamble on a school night

'a ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for'  - William Shedd

Spontaneity.  It was 1998.  I was a senior in high school, and it was a school night.  I was sleeping over my friends house though, and two other guys were staying over too.  My host-friend suggests that because his mom is asleep (must have been 9 or 10pm), we should take her car and drive to Foxwoods Casino.  We can have the car back before she wakes up, and even make it to school first thing in morning.  

I was never spontaneous.  I'd say I was nervous, shy, scared of the unknown, and therefore calculated and somewhat structured in my ways.  When this journey to Connecticut from Concord, NH was brought up, I probably started asking, 'well ok, how long does it take to get there?  Do we all have enough money?  How old do you have to be to enter a Casino...to gamble?  What classes do we have in the morning, and what time do we have to be back...exactly?  And that means we'll have to leave Foxwoods to return at blah blah blah.  I can see my friend smirking now...and telling me that none of that matters.  We're just going.  

Somehow we actually did make it to Foxwoods and started gambling.  When we were huddled around my friend at one of the tables as he was doing well, we noticed security guards in nice suits approaching.  They split us up and asked us questions.  Mostly about our age or birthdates.   Then they told my friend to cash out on his winnings, and told us all to get lost.  We got home in time to quietly push the car back into my friend's garage, and sneak into his room as though we'd been there all night.  His mom had to know.  But she never showed it.  We went to school on maybe a half hour of sleep.  But the stories and excitement were enough to make that next day, one of the best days of my high school career.  Today, as I did that day, I can reflect on the awesome feelings of freedom, bravery, risk, adrenaline, and a sense of brotherly love that this experience created for me.  

I wish I figured out then that spontaneity was special.  It was part of that experience.  It was central to it, and key to the everlasting memory it solidified within me.  I wasn't at all self-aware then though.  I probably couldn't pronounce spontaneity.  And even though I was easily influenced by others and did have fun doing crazy things in the following years, I never embraced the idea of improvising in my life.  I needed a script. 

A couple of weeks ago, I quickly grabbed a couple of snacks, some wipes, my new cheap and obnoxious mirror lens sunglasses, and Matilda, and hopped in the car without knowing where we were going.  I know...you probably do this like every weekend.  But I couldn't think back to when I had last done it.  Kind of made me sad.  Anyway, I still live in Concord, NH.  And what I love about my geographic location is that all within about one hour away...I can drive North to the White mountains, east to the ocean, or south to the city of Boston.  All great options.  Matilda asked where we were going.  'I don't know Til...we're just going on an adventure...and we get to choose where we go.'  I told her that I was now leaning toward Portsmouth over on the coast, but then I remembered those fun books I used to read and I told her this is called 'choose your own adventure...and you get to choose!'  She said she didn't really want to go to Portsmouth, and wanted to go to Mother and Child, a pretty hip consignment shop in Amherst that her mom had brought her to.  So that was it!  We found a cool dress for her, played hide and seek in all the clothes, and upset one of the old employees who thought we were being too loud.  It wasn't Foxwoods.  It was incredibly fun though.  Matilda was able to choose it.  And that morning, I never would have guessed that this experience would have been in my future.  

Don't try this at home

I noticed a huge change within myself after having a child.  Matilda has helped me learn so many great things...one of them being the ability to 'embrace spontaneity'.  Children often live in the moment.  Not reflecting on previous behaviors.  Not planning out the steps to our future.  Simply enjoying this moment.  They make quick, thoughtless decisions based on passion, desire, love.  They often don't know the consequences of making the wrong choice, choosing the wrong person, wearing the miscalculated dress, or chomping on Nerds candy instead of an organic apple.  

Don't let fear get in the way of being spontaneous.  Embrace the risk involved.  Acknowledge an uncomfortable feeling, but let yourself be ok there...and remember how much you can learn there.  About yourself and others.  Go on more 'choose your own adventures', let your kid choose their own outfit and then splash in the puddles, jump on the bed with them, and eat lots more Nerds.    

Could be my favorite pic of all time

music:  One of the best guitar players in the world.  Prolific writer.  Pop, electric, or acoustic. Every album is good...including his new 'The Search for Everything'.  John Mayer.   Click here and check this out! 

3 ways to kill a bug

‘We learn best at the edge of comfort’

That bug that’s out there...the one that’s going around?  It somehow found it’s way into our house.  Maybe it crawled down the chimney.  Or perhaps around a window that was flashed incorrectly.

Symptoms (in order of appearance):  headache, sore throat, fever, chills, body aches, cough, wheezing, stuffy/runny nose, belly ache, throwing up.  These are what Matilda (my 4-year-old daughter) has been dealing with since last week.  On her second day in, I started in with the same symptoms.  Because it was so prevalent in our week, I figured I’d write about it, in hopes of tuning in to what’s going on.

In a way, I wish meteorologists and doctors would convene and create a radar...a doppler of sorts, in which we could see colds, flus, viruses, etc. approaching with real time data.  Severity of sickness could be articulated through saturation of color.  With luck, we could have Al Kaprilian warning us of an amplitudinal viral jet stream, approaching from the west.  We’d have time to check our medicine cabinets and make a vegetable soup.  Click HERE for a little fun with Al.

We all handle being under the weather a little differently.  I’ve been told by many females however, that men are total wimps when it comes to being sick.  At the first sign of a scratchy throat, men are all...can you get me the Nyquil babe...is that Tiger Balm still in there...can you rub it on my chest...and compresses and humidifiers and can you just take care of the kids for a while and thermometers and pseudoephedrine and if I just lay and watch this game I’ll probably get better sooner and tissues everywhere and annoying salt water gargling and snorting and clearing of throats that is all completely unnecessary.

My sister was telling me about a great line she noticed online stating that ‘during labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels when he has a fever.’

While I like to think that I go unphased when the bug comes around, and keep checking off items on the to-do list even when the coughs commence, I am more likely very affected by illness, and possibly play the part of a wimp.  I have found some ways to cope though, and I hope they help you!  Here are 3 ways to kill a bug:

1. Acknowledgment/Awareness - My mom used to say if you pretend you’re not sick, you won’t be.  While I believe in mind over matter in some instances (more on that in #2), this one hasn’t worked for me.  I’ve found though, that an initial lowering of expectations for myself is healthy.  I can’t just power through.  With age comes a better understanding of our own boundaries and limitations, the ability to say ‘no’ when needed, and a self-awareness that connects us to the ebb and flow present in all of the natural world.  There will always be suffering and prosperity...storms and sun...strep and a clean bill of health.  Too often, we live with a desire for a life free from suffering.  When we hit a wall or find a bug though (which will happen), we define it as a failure, or as ‘unsuccessful’, and discover negative emotions threaded there.  In that world, success...and everything desired...is fleeting.  Intangible.  I’ve found that an acknowledgment and acceptance of all the good and bad unlocks doors to rooms, all containing joy and happiness.  Mindfulness and meditation are probably the most effective keys for those locks.
2. Nip it in the bud - When I was teaching, I once had this hilarious student.  He pulled out a huge tomato in class and started eating it like an apple.  I thought he was putting on another show, and I asked ‘what are you doing?’  He said his mom told him that eating tomatoes at the start of a cold will stop it in its tracks.  She packed him 3 massive heirlooms for the day.  Just 3 tomatoes.  So while juice and seeds spewed across the classroom, he held the biggest tomato eating grin on his face...and he was fine!  It’s science.  Actually, I believe science has proven that zinc, taken at the onset, can shorten the common cold.  But you’ll have to look that up on the world wide interwebs.  This is where I believe in mind over matter though.  Whatever you do, do it early, and commit to believing in it, even if your significant other thinks you’re ridiculous.  Down your excessive amount of vitamin C.  Pop those echinacea pills.  Teachers...turn your Airborne tablets to fizz, and tap dance into your classroom.  This is simply a habit that you’ll form...a commitment to a routine that, in your mind, is helpful and productive.  You may even be able to convince others that your crazy concoction is the elixir of life.
3. TLC - If you listen to the song ‘Waterfalls’ by the group TLC during sickness, you will greatly… You didn’t honestly fall for that did you???  Please tell me you did.  It will make my day!  This one isn’t for your ‘self’...it’s for others.  TLC stands for tender loving care, for all you cold-hearted curmudgeons out there.  When someone around you isn’t feeling 100, take it down a notch, provide a softer shoulder, be careful (that’s ‘full of care’), be mindful, and generous.  It will come back to you in unforeseeable manifestations.  As a dad, one of the most fulfilling responsibilities for me has been taking care of Matilda when she’s needy.  I love being attentive and able to sooth and comfort when I can.  I feel very fortunate and grateful for that.  Having one child has allowed me to be more present.  Knowing my own abilities, I wouldn’t be as effective with more children.  I have a great appreciation and respect for you parents with multiple children.  When I feel overwhelmed, I sometimes think of some of you, and find inspiration there.  

When the bug gets in our houses...when we have what’s ‘going around’, we can learn much about ourselves and others.  We can find teachable moments for our children...with limits and boundaries...with pain and acceptance...with a tissue over a sleeve.  

A college professor once told me we learn best when at the edge of comfort, and that I should try to find contentment there...and sit there often. I can't thank that professor enough for this. That edge of comfort is a place where our needs are met, but where we are frequently challenged.

Let us all walk that edge carefully, holding the hands of our children, being deliberate and delicate with every step.

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37

'With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come'

-Shakespeare

Today is my birthday.  I am 37 years old.  Let me repeat so that it I can let it sink in some more...Today, I am 37 years old.

I'm writing today, simply because I feel the urge to.  I have been feeling this for a while now.  It has led me to write some songs, put notes down in journals, and to create many 'ideas' in my head.  These ideas are simple thoughts and concepts...every day occurrences that linger longer than I would expect.  Maybe they are experiences that I initially feel are unique.  But over time I realize they are somewhat arbitrary, probably common, but intriguing to me nonetheless.  They seem to be connective in nature, and hopefully beneficial for myself and others to reflect on. 

You see, as the numbers in the label of my age get higher in value (and as my mom always say's, I still feel very young) something has crept in.  It's a subtle and slow effect happening, a compounding of occurrences, a collection of pictures or songs in my head, a thread of themes being woven, and a group of people in the mass that I've been lucky to meet.

Every so often, a moment arises when I think, oh...that's why that person came into my life...and that's why I read that book then...and that song is attached to that memory...that is why I had to struggle and find hardship there...and that person was beautiful, but couldn't remain in my life...and I'm grateful for that...and around that time, I found those amazing coconut macaroons at that hip coffee shop with all those great smells!

Breathe.

Reflecting on all of this, I'm so proud to have this awareness and acceptance.  And I've found it through others.  Every person I've met...I can think back to something they've said, or a look they gave, or even a harsh reality they presented that I didn't appreciate at the time.  Today, I'm saying thank you for all of that.

More recently, I've been reading a lot.  Everyone should do this.  It's strengthened the webs that were formed in my life - into cables that can't be broke (referring to the old Spanish proverb that applies to habits).  I appreciate all of the writers, and then all of the musicians, artists, and other 'creators' for the bravery of putting it out there...for letting it go...letting it be 'ours'...and for sharing what was once only yours.

At this moment, I am not entirely sure why I'm sharing this small piece of writing.  In a way, it feels a bit presumptuous.  And who am I to share what was once only a tide of mine?  This is where I respect that bravery of what others have done.

On the other hand, today is my birthday, an anniversary of the day I was born...the day my collection began, and the day the first webs began to spool in and out.  

I am so entirely sure of why I'm sharing this!

Everything and everyone in my life up to this moment has led me to this.  It's not on me...it's on you!

So thank you.  

Make sure to be aware of your 'threads'...your webs...your coconut macaroons.  

I've found it to be...tasty.

james