school ties

'every child is an artist.  the problem is how to remain an artist once [they] grow up'  - Picasso

*two books related to this topic...and that I highly recommend reading are The Global Achievement Gap by Wagner, and Home Grown: adventures in parenting off the beaten path, unschooling, and reconnecting with the natural world by Hewitt.

Also, check out this blog on Unschooling by Leo Babauta

As Matilda grows closer to school aged, I find myself thinking about her education more and more.  She's 4 years old now, and won't be old enough for kindergarten until the Fall of 2018.  So there is some time...but none like the present to consider options.  I honestly haven't made any conclusions about how I feel in regards to kindergarten and school yet.  But I have read a bunch, spoke to some others about it, and think on it often.  Hopefully, writing on the topic will allow me to explore it more deeply, and help define what I truly believe in.  



step back
While you may think I'm speaking of a Steph Curry 'step back' 3 pointer, I'm talking more about what I believe all of us 'citizens' need to practice before thinking about education.  It's a term that I'll use to describe a pausing, stepping out of the box, and the employment of a wide and general perspective.  You see, I never questioned school really.  I'm not sure my parents did either.  Maybe your parents didn't.  It's just been accepted over time that school is where you go starting at age 5 and ending at age 18.  It's what everyone does.  We've done it for a long time, and now you're going to do it.  But what does that allow our children?  What does it provide them?  How does it challenge them?  How is it tailored for them?  What will it prepare them for?  And how will we determine their success within this institution?  

It is pretty obvious to me that a student that attends 180 days of school (let's say a first grader), will know more facts and things than a child that doesn't go to school for that 180 days.  The schooled student will test better, follow rules quicker, and be better prepared to take in the 2nd grade curriculum.  They will be 'ahead of the curve' compared to the unschooled child.  'Stepping back' though...is saying 'who cares' to all of that.  It's saying, standardized tests are not what define my child.  It's recognizing that rules can be bent in life outside of school...there is always a loophole...and questioning everything is very beneficial.  It's submitting to the rat race of parent's claiming high percentiles of where their child sits, admitting that the curve that we're all trying to get ahead of is a slippery slope that doesn't matter as much as we're drilled to believe.  Stepping back is believing that it's ok that my child doesn't ride a bike as well as other 4 year olds.  It's ok if my child's reading level isn't where the common core says it should be.  I understand it's difficult to be ok with that, especially considering societal pressure.  But...we don't need to constantly compare each to another...and rank accordingly.  We all contain multitudes.  These microcosms and measurements are small pieces of our entire selves.  


math/statistics
6 hours per school day (approx) multiplied by 180 school days = 1080 hours per school year.  

12 school years + kindergarten = 13 school years.

13 school years x 1080 hours = 14,040 hours of total schooling through completion.

Is it too much?  Is it enough?  Are the hours used most effectively?

The average American 15 year old spends about 5 hours per week doing homework...and since students with a more advantaged socio-economic status tend to do more homework than less fortunate students, 'homework helps perpetuate existing inequalities in education', says the PISA (Programme for International Student Assessment) researchers. 

According to the Pew Research Center, the United States ranks '38th out of 71 countries in math...24th in science...24th in reading'.  

While there have been some very small gains since the 1990's, standardized test scores in the US have gone down since 2013.  

How are our schools failing us?  How are they preparing our children for the unpredictable, ever changing future?  Do test scores matter?  Do world rankings matter?  How are our children allowed to fail, and encouraged to try again...a different way? 

This TED talk is one of the most watched ever.  It asks the question, 'do schools kill creativity'?  And I highly recommend it! ...the video...not killing creativity.

How kind is kindergarten?

Recent NH news has described how full day kindergarten will finally be funded here, as it passed through the NH legislature.  

Having discussions with many parents about this, I've heard a common thread...and that is that the schedule of full-day kindergarten will allow parents to send their kids away without having to pick up or drop off midday.  So basically, it's the logistics that people are most happy about.  This is just what I've heard the most...not the entire story.  

I've also heard a bit of 'my child will be more ready for 1st grade, which will then lead to future success'.  This argument is somewhat obvious to me again...but another area in which I use the step back approach.  Of course, any student that goes through the routine of a full day school schedule will be ahead of one that doesn't.  They will test better, follow rules quicker, possess a deeper understanding of how a school day functions, sit at a higher reading and math level, etc. etc. However, the 'leading to future success' part has been proven wrong.  The intellectual and social/emotional gains from kindergarten are found up to a 3rd or 4th grade level.  After that they drop off.  So if we step back and consider what the real pros and cons of full day kindergarten are, there is more of a story that I need to be told.  Some questions I have about it are:

How much 'free play time' will children have?  What is the curriculum, and where I can I find it?  What arts will be part of the school day?  Is funding this thing with Keno (a lottery game that I believe is currently illegal in NH) a wise decision...sustainable...respectable?  It feels...icky.  

I don't believe anymore in sedentary, sitting in the desk, receiving curriculum from the teacher, following structure and rules, no risk involved, being told how to think and learn.  I know this isn't every school and every teacher.  There are so many good ones out there...and they make a difference.  But the structure/institution seems to be broken...or lacking...and not providing the best possible return on investment.   

Take a look at this kindergarten in Tokyo, and look how different it looks from something our children will receive.  It's experiential, creates wonder, involves risk, allows bending of rules, includes inherent challenges (physical and emotional).  

what now?

I was a teacher once.  I didn't leave because I 'disagreed' with school.  I had surely lost the passion I once had though, and was feeling totally burnt out, lacking resources, lacking technology, looking at a pay cut the following year, wondering how to best provide for my young daughter in the years to come, and trying to run a small business on the side.  It was a multitude of variables pulling me away.  

I was a student once too.  I remember some good moments in elementary and middle school.  I had some fun, and made some great connections with people.  School felt easy to me.  I got good grades, and I had good manners.  On the other hand, I remember often staring off out a window, or at a wall.  Not an inspired and dream-filled daydream.  It was always filled with the thought, 'when will this be over?'  I remember feeling insecure, especially as I got older and entered high school, not fitting in, not knowing where to sit, how to get along.  Things became much harder for me then.  I failed.  I quit.  Fortunately, I went right back and finished.  But high school is a sad memory for me, and very negative.   I envy others when I hear they loved high school so much.  I'm happy for them, but that is foreign to me.  

I've recently became infatuated with this idea of Unschooling.  It's not homeschooling, with a curriculum and standards.  It's simply not going to school...and allowing the parent and child the decision on what to learn, when, and how they want to...ultimate freedom.  It sounds scary at first...and those thoughts of meeting grade level standards, keeping up with the Jones', and how will my kid be successful with that? start to creep in.  But if we step back, we can accept that those worries don't truly hold weight.  They don't define us as individuals when we leave school anyway....and the same questions can be asked of a schooler...with similar validity.  There are so many other meaningful experiences that can be had within 14,040 hours, that may lead to more influential lessons learned.  

Take a look at this talk by an unschooler.  He brings up some intriguing ideas, and it's refreshing to hear his perspective.  



Music:  This song is beautiful...and speaks about when a girl just has a way about her.

  

dear dad

'fathers be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do'  - john mayer

fäT͟Hər:  a man in relation to his natural child or children

Dear dad,


today is a celebration of you...of all the characteristics and actions you take on in your parental role.  There is probably no greater responsibility in this world, so I hope you've taken the entire journey seriously.  And even considering that I'm now 37 years old, your job isn't done.  You can't retire from this one.  I need more from you.  I'm going to ask for more help and advice in the future...and your related position as a grandfather is just beginning.  

Concord monitor photo - White Park - circa 1982 - fundamentals 

Thinking of when you began the dad journey, I often wonder what you were thinking then...if you planned it out...how you anticipated the experience.  Did you put money aside...try to work extra hours?  Did you want a boy?  Were you nervous as hell?

I know that when I found out I was going to become a dad, a sway of emotions overtook me.  And I immediately came to, 'ok, how the heck am I going to do this?'  I read some books, inquired with other parents, and planned out many ideas...like my daughter will only eat fully organic foods, mixed up in this trendy new blender, and...I will only put reusable diapers on my daughters bum, and...I need to open a bank account for Matilda's college fund asap!  However, I found that some of these efforts were unrealistic.  Some too lofty.  And some came from advice from parents who made a ton of mistakes themselves.  In the end, we're all 'winging it' as parents.  Doing the best we can...and practicing a lot of on-the-job training.  No one knows all of the answers.  And many of the answers work only for specific children, or at specific times.  Therefore, we can all judge a little less harshly.  

presence

So dad, whatever you did during that time?  It's great.  You probably made some tough decisions and came through with some great execution.  I thank you so much for that!  You probably made a ton of mistakes...and you know what?  I forgive you for all of them.  I mean, look how I turned out!

I believe it's easy for parents to get caught up in the details of what they must do in order for their kids to be the best on the block.  I find myself wrapped up in that all too often.  But if we step back and take a more general perspective, understanding that parents are more than the sum of all of their parts, we can cherish dearly the fact that our simple 'presence' within our children's lives is what can contribute to a successful cultivation, an overall healthier society, and a fulfilled 'next' generation.

Mom, Dad, and the Tilly Monster - this makes me happy

After all dad, I don't remember you teaching me how to shave.  I do remember eating McDonalds after some of my basketball games.  I'm not sure if you showed me how to tie my shoes with the one loop method or if that was someone else.  But I can't remember a time when you weren't present in my life.  You were always either there, or one simple thought away from being there.  I've always known where you were...or at least thought I did.  I can always think in my mind where you most likely are.  That must be so significant!  37 years of that presence.  That takes effort, and unconditional love, and careful attention.  That describes effective communication, and respect, and integrity, and strong morals and values. 

Matilda's 2nd Easter...with her Grampa

the next phase...grandparenting

Sometimes I wonder how I became a certain way, or came to understand something, or why I believe in particular ideas, or practice parenting how I do.  I have to conclude that your presence has greatly contributed to that.  And again, many of these things seem to have been passed down with no direct speaking of, no detailed lesson taught (even though there were those too).  No, this feels more like a security that I was afforded and a comfort that I was allowed...in which I was able to grow and learn and start holding things as my own.  Thank you.  

I honestly do hope to be as good of a dad to Matilda as you've been to me.  There will be so many things I do differently though, and I know that's ok.  I am trying to use that 'presence' though...and will continue.  Time will tell!


                                                                                  your son,
                                                                                  james   







Music:  I love this song...and it does have some 'Dad' connections within it.  Enjoy!

yes no maybe so

'your life changes the moment you make a new, congruent, and committed decision' 

-Tony Robbins

When the details on the surface are wiped
away...what is left

There are times in our life when we have to make a decision.  We find ourselves standing at a crossroads with options in front of us.  A typical crossroads would determine that we would have three options or choices.  Picture driving up to an actual intersection of roads. It's best to think of west.  The desert, tumbleweed, cacti, cactuses?  Both are accepted.  This setting just feels more serene and secluded.  And it's just cool. No one is there to witness your decision.  It is just you and this place and the road you choose.  You can take a left, go straight, or take a right...3 choices.  Maybe a good way to use this analogy would be to match up each choice of road with an answer to the question, 'should I do this?'  Of course 'this' can fit whatever situation you may have in your life.  With 3 choices of roads, road 1 is YES!  Road 2 is NO!  Road 3 is OTHER or MAYBE SO.

Road 1

She could make a new road with this!

I think whenever we are asking ourselves 'should I do this', it's usually because we already have a hunch that we want to do it.  'Go with your gut', 'follow your instincts', 'lead with your heart', are all phrases that tell us we already know the answer.  Yes is the answer.  We know what we'd like to do, and deep down we know what we desire.  However, before we commit ourselves to road 1, we are faced with obstacles like fear and insecurity that will ostensibly reveal that this decision was a bad choice.  That's terrible and very sad.  I think everyone needs more of road 1 in their life.  Be more of a 'yes man', and stop turning everything down.  Embrace change and moving forward.  Covet growth and the learning process, especially when you find yourself on the edge of comfort.  Many of us talk about our passions and what we truly want to be doing.  We describe it to others.  We visualize it in vivid detail.  We think about how it will all play out in the future.  But then we don't act.  This is why some psychologists have found that we shouldn't actually talk about our goals.  By speaking about them, and receiving feedback from others, we actually feel a sense of accomplishment and we lose the passion, the edge, the motivation we once had.  This has happened to me many times.  It's hard because we want to share our passion with others.  We want to bounce ideas.  Maybe we should just share the tip of the iceberg...or bounce one small ball to someone.  Don't spill it before acting on it.  When is the best time to start acting on your passions?  Right now.  Immediately.  The clock is ticking.  

'Do what you want' sounds negative and detached but if I teach and use effective language, I can help Matilda hold onto 'acting on her desires'.  It's really the same thing.  When we're young, it's natural for us.  But much like creativity, we tend to lose it along the road

Road 2
Being a 'yes man' and taking road 1 on your decisions can bring you places you never dreamed of.  However, there are often times when we have to say 'no'.  Maybe you're just done spending time with a certain person...maybe your schedule is full...maybe you're just wiped out from being the challenges of parenting.  All these are totally justifiable.  I've learned that 'no' doesn't have to be negative.  If we communicate to others our feelings and/or reasons along with our 'no', we should be comfortable and content in our position to turn something down.  Withing my business, I now notice myself saying 'no' more often.  I always try to say 'yes' and take road 1 when people have requests.  But for a variety of reasons, sometimes I turn things down.  In the past, I felt guilty or insecure about this.  But that doesn't hold any weight.  I tell myself that if I can't commit wholeheartedly to this decision, it won't work out for either party.  Therefore, taking Road 2 can be understood as the best decision for all involved.  Road 2 shouldn't be as worn and trodden as road 1, but don't be afraid to lay new tracks when warranted.    

'I'm not ready to be done Dad.  I don't want to leave yet' is a phrase that I cherish and honor when I can.
She's taking Road 2, and saying 'no' to being done with something.

Road 3
Sometimes we can't commit to a yes or no right now.  We aren't ready to.  I actually use road 3 often.  I'm not so great at deciding on things right away.  I like to ruminate on the idea for a while...sleep on it in a sense.  I have come to realize that spontaneity is powerful and rewarding, and have started implementing that more in my day to day.  However, on some big decisions, I still hold value in deliberate consideration, weighing pros and cons over time and as I think of them, and documenting thoughts in a journal, before making a final choice.  While mulling over an idea for a couple of days, an important variable will often arise that easily determines the outcome for me.  It's like a subtle, 'did you consider this?'  And I will know right then and there whether it's road 1 or 2 that I'm taking.  Road 3 seems to be a loop around that brings you back to the same intersection later on.  It allows some soul searching, some road tripping, and a few pit stops to get your bearings and reassess your current location/situation.  

Maybe you have to let some time pass before you become close with that special someone.  Perhaps you're waiting for them to work something out on their end.  

You may need to save some money up, or line up your budget differently first.  

Maybe you feel overwhelmed and need to put a decision on the back burner until you feel more centered.  

Decision making at the Scoop Deck

What would you choose?  I go with something different every visit

Whatever it may be, we all have reasons to take road 3 at certain crossroads.  As I spoke of in the Road 2 section...be confident and content with your choice to wait on the decision.  It's not a 'non-decision'...it's a decision to wait, and lock in to something when you are totally ready to do so.  With the quick pace of our lives, I'm often telling Matilda, 'let's go, make a decision quickly!'  But I try to catch myself...thinking wait...she can have all the time she wants to make a decision (within reason)!  I believe it will strengthen the ground she stands on, and empower her ability to make wise and timely decisions for the rest of her life.  



Be aware of your surroundings when you come to a crossroads.  Simply pay attention to your emotions and the physical changes taking place.  Take a breath before accelerating down the next road.  Remember, each and every even small decision will set your life onto a different path...possibly a different plane.  So choose wisely!  I wish you the best in your decision making!

The sun is on me...and it feels good.  

Music:  Kaleo is a band that started in Iceland.  That might contribute to their unique sound.  I often forget about them for a while, and then hear them on the radio.  The sound is always intriguing...and since I don't own any of their music, I always go home and put on some of their live stuff.  Matilda and I caught them live at the Newburyport Riverfront Music Festival last year.  They rock!  Give this song a listen!

i'm no different than you

'just my thoughts man - right or wrong...just what I was feeling at the time' - Jay Z

I am no different than you

We cannot really judge one another, or blame one another for our thoughts and opinions.  It is honestly best to forgive someone for ideas you disagree with.  Best to appreciate their perspective.  Taking this approach broadens your own perspective, and allows you to employ a broader scope...a wider lens.

I once heard a line related to this, and it's surfaced often when thinking about others...and our differences.  It basically says that 'you would do exactly what any other  person does...behave in the same exact manner...had you been born to their parents, in the place they were raised, and brought up the same way'.  I'm not sure where I heard this.  Maybe it just came to me.  Actually, I'll just go ahead and claim it as mine right now!  However simple it may be, it has provided me with a moral integrity in which I believe we're all on the same level playing field.  

Here is a healthy practice for you to try:  think of a child living in a very different situation and place than what you have...preferably a child in a different culture, different socio-economic situation...something almost 'opposite' of you.  Then consider the fact that this child could have been you!  What if you were born there?  Had to walk in those shoes?  In that climate?  This consideration has helped me develop a better understanding of others, and has led to less judgement.  It's allowed me to listen more effectively.  It's let me submit to others, and forgive, and appreciate.

This can sound like a weak position.  Always submitting to others, and forgiving when people hurt me, or bring adversity to my life?  Won't that just lead to people steam rolling over me and using me as a doormat?  No.  Believe it or not, giving up control and judgement has given me a stronger sense of who I am.  Instead of wasting so much energy on trying to control others, and situations, to no avail...I maintain a positive mindset, and often frame a response in my mind with the phrase 'Is that so?'  This provides a position where almost nothing can knock me off course, regardless of the strength of the tides.  I acknowledge the potential storm.  I maintain the secure and reliable mast, and calmly set the main sail.  Then I begin wayfinding through the tempest.  I feel like Maui...with Moana at my side!  

'I am Moanaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!'

I once feared different ideas and opinions, opposite of my own.  I was once intimidated by others who stood for values other than mine.  This fear is what I believe to be one of the obstacles between groups not seeing eye to eye.  And considering how many of us often fear the unknown, it may not even be a conscious wall we're constructing within our minds.  A natural cascading and compounding of negative or fear-filled thoughts can build, without us being aware.  It's as if within our typical day, during our tasks, we mindlessly grab a brick and place it on an arbitrary line.  When the day is done, we've put up a faulty facade...a sloppy screen between ourselves and others.  It gives you a false sense of security, and you may be proud of where you stand and what you've built.  But the wall was constructed on careless judgement, weak mortar mix, an uneven foundation...not deliberate decisions, mindful masonry, on a level, compacted cornerstone.   

I've already blogged some about being aware of our own thoughts, and the benefits of thinking positive.  Here is a post related to that.  This awareness will help to clean up your rubble if you have some, and strengthen your position and security without the need of a wall.  What's the best way to find that awareness?  Start meditating.  And start being mindful of your thoughts and reactions to different subjects.  It takes practice like anything else.  But with a little training, you'll find yourself on a journey filled with happiness and contentment.  Your shoulder may soften with the chip removed, allowing others a better landing to lean on.  

One final thought that I think of often is 'how do i make other people feel?'  At the end of our short time in this place, this question may be central to how successful our time was actually invested.  This is of course difficult to know, as we can't totally understand how others feel about us.  And it's less about what others 'think' of us...more about the kindness, support, generosity, and acceptance that we provide...hopefully leading to a comfort and security felt by the people around us.  I believe a good, healthy self check-in is to ask yourself 'how am I making other people feel?'

You feel me?



Music:  Here is an oldie but a goodie from The Lumineers.  The band leader's wife told him he was like the Dead Sea...that she'll never sink when he's with her...and he wrote a song including this sentiment.  How romantic. 

en·tre·pre·neur äntrəprəˈnər

'the most dangerous thing you can do in life is play it safe' - Casey Neistat

Sit down.  Don't talk.  Raise your hand.  Stay in line.  Don't be late.  Quiet down.  Put that away.  Share.  Read this.  Watch that.  You can eat now.  Play like this.  Don't speak out.  Settle down.  Be prepared. 

This is what our kids are told...time and time again.  What must become slowly and steadily ingrained is the idea that they should all conform, follow the crowd, learn how everyone else does, choose a career, spend a lot of money to study within that field with a college education, find a company to work for, and work...so that you can afford things like a car and a house and a latte...then, they will be successful. 

Are we introducing and exposing our children to enough entrepreneurial ideas to truly let them know about other options they may have?  At Concord High School, I can remember one single unit within I believe an Economics class.  Mr. Denoncourt worked so hard with us to help us pronounce the word en-tre-pre-neur.  I said it wrong until college.  I don't remember a single thing from that unit we studied however...but I'm sure it was thorough in explaining the option for citizens to...yippee! start your own business!  You could make and sell cookies with your mom, or you could design a tshirt, and sell it out of the trunk of your car.  I'm sure the text book detailed some of the easier fields to enter as a business starter, like construction, landscaping, or dog walking.  I'm sure one of the bolded subject headings was 'be your own boss', and we probably discussed as a class the pros and cons to running your own company.  Mr Denoncourt was genuine in his efforts, I am sure.  But all I remember is äntrəprəˈnər.  

Considering the loyalty once involved in working for a company, and the lack of commitment and loyalty in present times, we owe it to our kids to expose them to more.  One unit is not enough.  I'm sure there was more within my high school curriculum and I just missed it...I was in a fog most of the time.  But I know there wasn't enough.  

Years ago, one could be very secure in choosing a company to work for, sticking with that job for many years, and then retiring with a good sized pension to ride off into the sunset with.  It is not the same today.  It's predicted that our youngest workers will hold around 12-15 jobs in their lifetime.  It's also commonly noted that the average worker will make 5-7 career changes during there career.  It is simply a very different workplace.



Speak out.  Hustle.  Grind.  Don't sleep.  Find a loophole.  Challenge authority. The time is right now.  Make your own line to stand in.  You are creative.  Develop grit.  Ask more questions.  Better questions.  Come up with ideas.  More than that.  Start something now.  Take the risk.  Don't seek comfort.  Don't listen to me.  Do whatever the #%@$ you want to do, whenever the #%@$ you want to do it.  

What if these were some ideas we showered our kids with?  That's it...I'm starting a school, and the paragraph above will serve as the uncommon core curriculum.  The mission statement will have to be, 'do whatever the #%@$ you want to do, whenever the #%@$ you want to do it'.  When I step back and think, that phrase can simply define success like no other.  Children and adults alike could find so much happiness and success by first searching, finding, discovering, and identifying their own passions and loves...and then working, playing, and living within those areas as much as possible.  I'm not sure our schools, our communities, our parents, our culture is set up for that.  

I want my daughter Matilda to know that there are many paths.  And that she has many choices.  She'll be able to pronounce entrepreneur this year.  I'm going to introduce her to my uncommon curriculum...though I might leave out the do whatever you want part for now.  I'm still figuring this parenting thing out.  She will though, be able to dream something up, take a risk, and even fail, knowing that she'll have help to get up and find a different way.

In the short term, we're starting a small farm stand called The Grower's Daughter.  Matilda is very excited about this.  She'll be selling some plants we started from seed, some breads that we made, cookies, vegetables and honey in the Fall, and whatever else comes to mind.  The Grand Opening is tomorrow from 11-1pm at our house...so please stop by to say hello!  I'm hoping that this new adventure will play a small part in helping her develop some skills, passion, and even some hustle.  



Music:  Here is a beautiful song called Cherry Wine by Hozier.  It actually raised awareness and funds for domestic violence.  Enjoy!

gamble on a school night

'a ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for'  - William Shedd

Spontaneity.  It was 1998.  I was a senior in high school, and it was a school night.  I was sleeping over my friends house though, and two other guys were staying over too.  My host-friend suggests that because his mom is asleep (must have been 9 or 10pm), we should take her car and drive to Foxwoods Casino.  We can have the car back before she wakes up, and even make it to school first thing in morning.  

I was never spontaneous.  I'd say I was nervous, shy, scared of the unknown, and therefore calculated and somewhat structured in my ways.  When this journey to Connecticut from Concord, NH was brought up, I probably started asking, 'well ok, how long does it take to get there?  Do we all have enough money?  How old do you have to be to enter a Casino...to gamble?  What classes do we have in the morning, and what time do we have to be back...exactly?  And that means we'll have to leave Foxwoods to return at blah blah blah.  I can see my friend smirking now...and telling me that none of that matters.  We're just going.  

Somehow we actually did make it to Foxwoods and started gambling.  When we were huddled around my friend at one of the tables as he was doing well, we noticed security guards in nice suits approaching.  They split us up and asked us questions.  Mostly about our age or birthdates.   Then they told my friend to cash out on his winnings, and told us all to get lost.  We got home in time to quietly push the car back into my friend's garage, and sneak into his room as though we'd been there all night.  His mom had to know.  But she never showed it.  We went to school on maybe a half hour of sleep.  But the stories and excitement were enough to make that next day, one of the best days of my high school career.  Today, as I did that day, I can reflect on the awesome feelings of freedom, bravery, risk, adrenaline, and a sense of brotherly love that this experience created for me.  

I wish I figured out then that spontaneity was special.  It was part of that experience.  It was central to it, and key to the everlasting memory it solidified within me.  I wasn't at all self-aware then though.  I probably couldn't pronounce spontaneity.  And even though I was easily influenced by others and did have fun doing crazy things in the following years, I never embraced the idea of improvising in my life.  I needed a script. 

A couple of weeks ago, I quickly grabbed a couple of snacks, some wipes, my new cheap and obnoxious mirror lens sunglasses, and Matilda, and hopped in the car without knowing where we were going.  I know...you probably do this like every weekend.  But I couldn't think back to when I had last done it.  Kind of made me sad.  Anyway, I still live in Concord, NH.  And what I love about my geographic location is that all within about one hour away...I can drive North to the White mountains, east to the ocean, or south to the city of Boston.  All great options.  Matilda asked where we were going.  'I don't know Til...we're just going on an adventure...and we get to choose where we go.'  I told her that I was now leaning toward Portsmouth over on the coast, but then I remembered those fun books I used to read and I told her this is called 'choose your own adventure...and you get to choose!'  She said she didn't really want to go to Portsmouth, and wanted to go to Mother and Child, a pretty hip consignment shop in Amherst that her mom had brought her to.  So that was it!  We found a cool dress for her, played hide and seek in all the clothes, and upset one of the old employees who thought we were being too loud.  It wasn't Foxwoods.  It was incredibly fun though.  Matilda was able to choose it.  And that morning, I never would have guessed that this experience would have been in my future.  

Don't try this at home

I noticed a huge change within myself after having a child.  Matilda has helped me learn so many great things...one of them being the ability to 'embrace spontaneity'.  Children often live in the moment.  Not reflecting on previous behaviors.  Not planning out the steps to our future.  Simply enjoying this moment.  They make quick, thoughtless decisions based on passion, desire, love.  They often don't know the consequences of making the wrong choice, choosing the wrong person, wearing the miscalculated dress, or chomping on Nerds candy instead of an organic apple.  

Don't let fear get in the way of being spontaneous.  Embrace the risk involved.  Acknowledge an uncomfortable feeling, but let yourself be ok there...and remember how much you can learn there.  About yourself and others.  Go on more 'choose your own adventures', let your kid choose their own outfit and then splash in the puddles, jump on the bed with them, and eat lots more Nerds.    

Could be my favorite pic of all time

music:  One of the best guitar players in the world.  Prolific writer.  Pop, electric, or acoustic. Every album is good...including his new 'The Search for Everything'.  John Mayer.   Click here and check this out! 

you snooze you lose

'good morning to you, fair and gracious daughter' - Shakespeare

The morning is a part of the day when we're usually following routines and habits that have been ingrained over a long period of time.  When this occurs, we can easily just breeze through tasks, attempting to get up and go quickly.  The significance of time and place can go unrecognized, and we can set ourselves on a course that reflects that lack of investment.  I think often about 'investing' in ourselves as individuals.  It can be within our diet or health, experiences we have, or simply by reading.  The beginning of the day though, is such a fitting time to invest, as we can set ourselves off on a path filled with great returns. 

At the 2014 University of Texas at Austin commencement speech, Admiral William H. McRaven advised students to make their bed upon waking, and to do it well.  You can be proud of completing this simple task, and it can be a reflection of the work you do further on throughout your day.  Click here for the speech.  The make your bed advice starts at about 4:40.

I usually can't make my bed right after waking...because Matilda and my dog Jackson are still sleeping there.  But I do appreciate the idea, and I come back a little later in the morning to complete this.  It also reveals to me that we are all very different in how we do things at home...so there isn't a 'one size fits all' approach to mornings.  Some enjoy coffee while others take tea.  We can all find our own habits that lead us to a successful day, and employ them upon waking.  

Here are some ideas that have been working for me:

You Snooze You Lose - I've battle with the snooze button for years, and whenever I press it, I feel guilty, like I'm losing, and that I'm not supposed to be doing it.  Instead of

She's totally snoozing!

smashing that snooze, I turn the alarm off and take a deep, cleansing, mindful breath.  It's like a soft signal to the rest of my body that I'm going to get up now.  I also feel and think about appreciation during that breath.  I might be considering how fortunate I am to get another day, or cherishing the fact that Matilda and I will somehow grow today, or simply smiling and coveting the first moment that is only mine...this breath is all happiness, all love.  Part of my ability to find this happiness, is the fact that I really love my mornings now.  So I'm looking forward to getting downstairs and starting with my day.  It used to be grumpiness and negativity and why so early and 10 more minutes.  It took some searching and practice to get to where I am now, but I'm actually surprised at how making a few small changes has led to such an awesome awakening.

Early Bird Gets the Worm - Wake up earlier.  It's that simple.  This is somewhat related to not smashing the snoozer button, but it's also about just setting an earlier wake time goal.  Sleeping a little bit longer and then waking up to rush through tasks mindlessly, leaves you feeling chaotic...and success within whatever you do will be fleeting.  It's similar to driving fast.  You're more stressed, under more pressure, and not being mindful of all of your moves.  I'm currently waking at 4:45am, and I'm working toward 4:30am.  For a while, I would sleep as long as I possible could, and hope that Matilda would also sleep late...waking when she would get up.  But I found that I could rise early, and have about an hour to just invest in myself.  I can't stress enough how beneficial this has been.  Waking up early, and feeling that you're up before most others can give you a sense of accomplishment, regardless of what you actually accomplish.  You're already ahead!

The Elixir of Life - Before you go straight to the coffee pot, hydrate yourself a little.  You're body has gone without food or water since bedtime.  Don't immediately take in coffee, which is a diuretic. Gulp down a half glass of water or so.  Similar to the deep breath I take upon waking, I like to think of this bit of water as another signal to my body to start up again...also as a lubricant to all of the systems in the body...or a swell to the river that delivers nutrients throughout.  Then I go to the coffee.  I make and set up my coffee maker the night before, and have it brew at the same time as my alarm clock will go off.  That way, it's one more sound to help wake me, and I can actually smell the coffee from my bedroom...which is just the best!   Sometimes between the water and coffee, I take a shot of what I call the Elixir of Life.  A tumbler glass is best for this.  Squeeze the juice from half of an organic lemon in.  Add a spoon full of honey (from your zip code is best).  Then add cinnamon.  This drink has many benefits.  I'm not sure what any of those benefits are, other than the fact that it is 'invigorating'.  By the way, when did you last do something that was truly invigorating? 

Breathe - Find some sort of mindfulness or meditation practice that works best for you.  I have a large window that faces east...and that faces a large corn field, allowing me to take in a far off horizon.  It feels great to sit on the floor near this window, with the sun on my face.  Depending on the time of year, and when I actually decide to sit, I can be present during a sunrise.  It feels like the sun strengthens me for the day.  I haven't done the research on this either, but I know some that struggle with depression can be prescribed more sun.  I think it raises levels of serotonin.  Whatever it does, it feels good.  I spend 10-15 minutes just focusing on my breath here.  I have two analogies for meditation.  One, is that it is like doing a cleanse for the mind.  It removes cancerous deposits, distractions, junk, filler, useless stuff, and allows all systems to function in harmony.  My other analogy is more techy.  Meditation is like a disc clean up and defragmentation of the mind.  That works right?  

Lead and Paper - Write in a journal.  There are many methods for this that can be helpful.  I've been simply writing the date and then a few sentences about how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking about.  I also use it to wish happiness on someone else for the day (See my previous post here for more on this).  You never know...you might be the one I'm wishing for!  Then I write down 2 or 3 things I want to get done or focus on that day.  I took this from Leo Babauta.  He calls them M.I.T's, or Most Important Tasks.  By tying these to goals that you have, you'll make sure to complete objectives along your journey.  Use a real pencil.  Find some extraordinary stationary (can those two words go together?).  And just write.

Move - Run, do yoga, pushups and situps, cleans and presses, handstands, ride your bike.  Find something fun that get's your juices flowing. When training or exercising in the early morning, a great motivating factor is the feeling that you've completed a workout and showered before anyone is even awake.  Do it!

Cold - I've taken hot hot showers for almost all of my life.  From time to time, I would cool it off at the end just a bit.  This winter though, I came to love COLD showers.  I don't mean a little cool.  I call it 9 o'clocking because my shower control is at it's absolute coldest when it's in the 9 o'clock position.  If you haven't tried this...you have to.  Shower as you would regularly, but about halfway through shift your faucet to about half cold - half hot.  This will feel pretty cold.  But that's nothing.  When you're all rinsed of soap and conditioner, turn your faucet to the absolute coldest setting.  Just commit to it.  You'll thank me later.  Put your head directly under the water and start there.  Once your head is almost frozen, make sure your entire body gets sprayed with the icy stuff.  No joke, the first time I tried this, I laughed out loud uncontrollably.  After doing this?  You'll feel like a beast, and that there is nothing you can't do that day.  And...it will be the second invigorating thing you'll have done before other's have started their day!  

Try some of these and comment on your experience below!  And by the way, thanks so much for reading this far!


Music:  The band Amber Run put their instruments down for this great collaboration with the London Contemporary Voices choral group.  It's majestic.  Click here for it!

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grow up

'life shrinks or expands in proportion to ones courage'  - Anais Nin

As the perennials start poking through the soil, and colorful birds return from a warmer place, we are re-introduced to the Spring season.  What a wonderful time of year to consider growth.  If there's one thing that makes me feel alive...it's growing.  And I'm thinking about two specific pieces of that:  learning and doing.  Much of how we grow is based on these two principals, and each are important in their own way.  

We are all constantly learning.  However, some of us are taking in much more than others.  One can learn by simply sitting and thinking.  Actually, one can learn by simply sitting and breathing.  Sometimes the thinking can get in way of learning.  On top of that, we as individuals get to choose what we learn.  What have you chosen?  

Over this past winter, I think I learned more than in any chunk of time in my life.  By using the internet and my library card, I feel that I've taken a 4 month intensive course on a huge variety of topics.  Because my business is landscaping, I have a lot of time off in the winter.  I use much of this time to study some things I'm interested in.  It's allowed me to spend a lot of time doing exactly what I want to do, and follow my passions by taking an extreme focus on my interests.  Although, I feel like a bit of a renaissance man in a sense, in that I have such a wide scope of things that intrigue me.  Years ago, it seemed like this was a hindrance in life...and that since I was interested in many different ideas, I'd lose focus on the few that I should follow.  Jack of all trades, master of none.  However, as time has gone on, a couple of threads have persisted and continue to be present in my life.  And on top of that, I feel really confident in casting webs in a bunch of other areas.  I don't want to miss out on something incredible because I didn't try it.  If I see something I like, I'm not afraid to dive right in.  I'm always motivated to learn about my passions and seek out information through any way possible. 

Actually, I prefer the most efficient way possible. Peter Theil (co-founder of PayPal) asks us to question our efficiency by saying, 'How can you achieve your 10 year plan in the next 6 months?'  I love this idea!  It's not that you can easily complete everything on your list that fast...but it forces you to question what the most efficient way is to your destination.  This can easily apply to things like travel, learning a musical instrument, starting a business, buying a house at the ocean, writing a book, etc.  You may have to reassess your current routines and structures in order to achieve these things.  But that can be a good thing!  In fact, I would say that 90% of us would benefit from some sort of radical change in our lives.  Are you willing to be 'radical' and take on that risk?  Think about a part of your life that is so routine...or monotonous.  Get out of it now!

Part of what makes it difficult is that we are trained to do what everyone else is doing.  We are taught to melt ourselves down to a common denominator in order to neatly fit the mold that society has created for us.  Once we are molded, we're put on a track.  Boys take a left, girls go right, black this way, white that way, gay over here, straight over there, religious down that ramp, agnostic up that ramp, college bound with that crew, others this way.  Last week I wrote about how we think (Click here for the post), and touched on how I've fallen into a 'normal' that just didn't feel good, but it seemed that everyone else was mostly doing the same.  Life is waaaaaay too short for that type of thinking.  We get such a small amount of time here.  Spend it learning about the things you love!

Now, the other important piece of this is...doing.  I was discussing this with a friend the other day, and he advised to not just get caught up in the learning portion of things.  You can't just keep watching and learning what others do.  You have to implement it into your own life!  If you've been meaning to start a blog but haven't, stop reading so many others, and just get to creating your own.  Want to start your own business, and you've been reading and researching and watching others succeed?  Scale your idea down and start the process this week!  Been wanting to learn Spanish for the past 5 years?  Spend 10 minutes tomorrow beginning the process and creating an outline for yourself.  Don't let anything seem daunting or intimidating.  Remember that once you decide on something...you'll just put one foot in front of the other, and things will naturally start falling into place.  In the words of Emerson, 'Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.' 

Here is a list how I've grown in the past couple of years...things I've learned about, or done.  Hopefully it will help inspire you to try something new!

• quit job
• started landscaping business
• kept bees - harvested honey
• learned guitar
• learned singing/voice
• learned how to keep chickens
• learned organic vegetable gardening - created garden site
• snowboarding - finally cleared a big jump in the terrain park (I've been scared to try)
• won a bunch of men's league basketball championships
• took up road bicycling - competed in race
• took down walls in house - reconfigured stairway
• started a blog
• started a basketball training business
• began meditating daily - practicing mindfulness
• learned a lot about parenting - still an amateur
• started writing a daily journal entry
• brought Matilda to Disney World

Now, along with doing a lot of these things...I failed a bunch a long the way.  My bank accounts have been extremely low at times. I've fallen and hurt myself a bunch on snowboard jumps (only to have teenagers laugh at me).  I've lost some basketball games, and found injuries there too.  In my first bike race, I was destroyed by most of the other riders.  I've been stung by my bees!  

It's not necessarily an easy road to follow the path that you've chosen, and that you've just learned.  In fact, it's probably more difficult.  I've found that in life...the right decision is the one that's more difficult.  The easy way is the regrettable way.  This is so true for everything from relationships to work.  So why choose the hard way?  Because it means you're living a more passionate lifestyle, which will build your health and happiness...and that of those around you. Because it's a life that you'll want to tell your kids about. Because it's different, and it's what probably about 1% of people do. Because it's fun!

If you need a couple 'doers' for inspiration...check out Tim Ferriss and/or Casey Neistat.  These guys get cool stuff done, and are very inspiring to listen to or watch.

What is your potential in all of the areas of life?  Are you learning about and doing the things you want to do?

I'm not living to my full potential in many areas.  However, I try to be fully aware of that...and work hard to close the gaps.  

I have a long list of things I want to try, places I want to go, and ways I want to grow.  And as I check one off, I notice a few more have been added to my list.  

Good luck with your list, and I wish you the best!  Share your experience here if you'd like.

Music: In lieu of the brothers in the band Dawes, that I recommended last week...another pair of brothers that know how to play are The Avett Brothers.  Check them out here!   

   

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