school ties

'every child is an artist.  the problem is how to remain an artist once [they] grow up'  - Picasso

*two books related to this topic...and that I highly recommend reading are The Global Achievement Gap by Wagner, and Home Grown: adventures in parenting off the beaten path, unschooling, and reconnecting with the natural world by Hewitt.

Also, check out this blog on Unschooling by Leo Babauta

As Matilda grows closer to school aged, I find myself thinking about her education more and more.  She's 4 years old now, and won't be old enough for kindergarten until the Fall of 2018.  So there is some time...but none like the present to consider options.  I honestly haven't made any conclusions about how I feel in regards to kindergarten and school yet.  But I have read a bunch, spoke to some others about it, and think on it often.  Hopefully, writing on the topic will allow me to explore it more deeply, and help define what I truly believe in.  



step back
While you may think I'm speaking of a Steph Curry 'step back' 3 pointer, I'm talking more about what I believe all of us 'citizens' need to practice before thinking about education.  It's a term that I'll use to describe a pausing, stepping out of the box, and the employment of a wide and general perspective.  You see, I never questioned school really.  I'm not sure my parents did either.  Maybe your parents didn't.  It's just been accepted over time that school is where you go starting at age 5 and ending at age 18.  It's what everyone does.  We've done it for a long time, and now you're going to do it.  But what does that allow our children?  What does it provide them?  How does it challenge them?  How is it tailored for them?  What will it prepare them for?  And how will we determine their success within this institution?  

It is pretty obvious to me that a student that attends 180 days of school (let's say a first grader), will know more facts and things than a child that doesn't go to school for that 180 days.  The schooled student will test better, follow rules quicker, and be better prepared to take in the 2nd grade curriculum.  They will be 'ahead of the curve' compared to the unschooled child.  'Stepping back' though...is saying 'who cares' to all of that.  It's saying, standardized tests are not what define my child.  It's recognizing that rules can be bent in life outside of school...there is always a loophole...and questioning everything is very beneficial.  It's submitting to the rat race of parent's claiming high percentiles of where their child sits, admitting that the curve that we're all trying to get ahead of is a slippery slope that doesn't matter as much as we're drilled to believe.  Stepping back is believing that it's ok that my child doesn't ride a bike as well as other 4 year olds.  It's ok if my child's reading level isn't where the common core says it should be.  I understand it's difficult to be ok with that, especially considering societal pressure.  But...we don't need to constantly compare each to another...and rank accordingly.  We all contain multitudes.  These microcosms and measurements are small pieces of our entire selves.  


math/statistics
6 hours per school day (approx) multiplied by 180 school days = 1080 hours per school year.  

12 school years + kindergarten = 13 school years.

13 school years x 1080 hours = 14,040 hours of total schooling through completion.

Is it too much?  Is it enough?  Are the hours used most effectively?

The average American 15 year old spends about 5 hours per week doing homework...and since students with a more advantaged socio-economic status tend to do more homework than less fortunate students, 'homework helps perpetuate existing inequalities in education', says the PISA (Programme for International Student Assessment) researchers. 

According to the Pew Research Center, the United States ranks '38th out of 71 countries in math...24th in science...24th in reading'.  

While there have been some very small gains since the 1990's, standardized test scores in the US have gone down since 2013.  

How are our schools failing us?  How are they preparing our children for the unpredictable, ever changing future?  Do test scores matter?  Do world rankings matter?  How are our children allowed to fail, and encouraged to try again...a different way? 

This TED talk is one of the most watched ever.  It asks the question, 'do schools kill creativity'?  And I highly recommend it! ...the video...not killing creativity.

How kind is kindergarten?

Recent NH news has described how full day kindergarten will finally be funded here, as it passed through the NH legislature.  

Having discussions with many parents about this, I've heard a common thread...and that is that the schedule of full-day kindergarten will allow parents to send their kids away without having to pick up or drop off midday.  So basically, it's the logistics that people are most happy about.  This is just what I've heard the most...not the entire story.  

I've also heard a bit of 'my child will be more ready for 1st grade, which will then lead to future success'.  This argument is somewhat obvious to me again...but another area in which I use the step back approach.  Of course, any student that goes through the routine of a full day school schedule will be ahead of one that doesn't.  They will test better, follow rules quicker, possess a deeper understanding of how a school day functions, sit at a higher reading and math level, etc. etc. However, the 'leading to future success' part has been proven wrong.  The intellectual and social/emotional gains from kindergarten are found up to a 3rd or 4th grade level.  After that they drop off.  So if we step back and consider what the real pros and cons of full day kindergarten are, there is more of a story that I need to be told.  Some questions I have about it are:

How much 'free play time' will children have?  What is the curriculum, and where I can I find it?  What arts will be part of the school day?  Is funding this thing with Keno (a lottery game that I believe is currently illegal in NH) a wise decision...sustainable...respectable?  It feels...icky.  

I don't believe anymore in sedentary, sitting in the desk, receiving curriculum from the teacher, following structure and rules, no risk involved, being told how to think and learn.  I know this isn't every school and every teacher.  There are so many good ones out there...and they make a difference.  But the structure/institution seems to be broken...or lacking...and not providing the best possible return on investment.   

Take a look at this kindergarten in Tokyo, and look how different it looks from something our children will receive.  It's experiential, creates wonder, involves risk, allows bending of rules, includes inherent challenges (physical and emotional).  

what now?

I was a teacher once.  I didn't leave because I 'disagreed' with school.  I had surely lost the passion I once had though, and was feeling totally burnt out, lacking resources, lacking technology, looking at a pay cut the following year, wondering how to best provide for my young daughter in the years to come, and trying to run a small business on the side.  It was a multitude of variables pulling me away.  

I was a student once too.  I remember some good moments in elementary and middle school.  I had some fun, and made some great connections with people.  School felt easy to me.  I got good grades, and I had good manners.  On the other hand, I remember often staring off out a window, or at a wall.  Not an inspired and dream-filled daydream.  It was always filled with the thought, 'when will this be over?'  I remember feeling insecure, especially as I got older and entered high school, not fitting in, not knowing where to sit, how to get along.  Things became much harder for me then.  I failed.  I quit.  Fortunately, I went right back and finished.  But high school is a sad memory for me, and very negative.   I envy others when I hear they loved high school so much.  I'm happy for them, but that is foreign to me.  

I've recently became infatuated with this idea of Unschooling.  It's not homeschooling, with a curriculum and standards.  It's simply not going to school...and allowing the parent and child the decision on what to learn, when, and how they want to...ultimate freedom.  It sounds scary at first...and those thoughts of meeting grade level standards, keeping up with the Jones', and how will my kid be successful with that? start to creep in.  But if we step back, we can accept that those worries don't truly hold weight.  They don't define us as individuals when we leave school anyway....and the same questions can be asked of a schooler...with similar validity.  There are so many other meaningful experiences that can be had within 14,040 hours, that may lead to more influential lessons learned.  

Take a look at this talk by an unschooler.  He brings up some intriguing ideas, and it's refreshing to hear his perspective.  



Music:  This song is beautiful...and speaks about when a girl just has a way about her.

  

song of summer

'you can sleep in September'  - Casey Neistat

Nubble

we laugh

this week...we made calloused feet as we said 'no' to shoes in the cool mornings.  That small decision would shape our day...shape our minds as we walked out into summer without lacing up and becoming leather tramps.  A sense of freedom washes in with the tide, and then...draws us out toward the sea.  We feel the vulnerability of vagabonds, releasing our ties and our ability to be held in the sway of a work week. This is summer.  This is vacation. And now every step must be carefully selected, as the 'souls' of our feet finally have a chance to be part of the story.  They have been waiting...and can now actually lead.  But our gate and pace is halved, and a more mindful tale becomes etched in the sand.


  

we love

our edges are also exposed, as the subtle curves of our shoulders seek the sun.  Sleeves are considered low brow this week and the dresser drawers of our cottage bedroom are a mess of tank tops, sun dresses, jerseys, and cover ups.  There are no neatly folded piles.  No color matching consideration.  No heavy cotton, or burdensome long-sleeves.  Simply reach into the swirl of colors, and lift out the first least-restrictive piece your hand comes upon.  Along with the lightness in our step, our arms find a wider range, and we reach to what we choose to hold with a new and more deliberate purpose.  

the water of Wells

    

there is no 9 to 5.  No lunch break.  No desktop computer.  And a morning shower isn't necessary.  Deodorant is optional.  It's all coolers and ice packs, blueberry and apple fritters, hair ties and flip flops, cold, hard, sandy cottage floors, warm, soft, sun kissed skin, cherries and spf 50, pails, shovels, and skim boards, blue matted public ways opening to salty marshes, grassy dunes and piping plovers, drift wood and beach roses, sea weed, faulty umbrellas, billy's chowder house, fish and chips and lobster rolls, everyday ice cream, Wells and Ogunquit and York, taffy stretched in store front windows, arguments over parking spots, coastal drives and Marginal Way walks, swim suits at dinner and wet car seats, arcades and beachcombers, jetty's and a Perkin's Cove, barnacles in tide pools, sunglasses after sunsets, salty kisses, sun burnt hugs, air conditioned naps and then hatching into humidity...it's the song of summer...and I'm always ready to hear it again.  

releasing ourselves from the career, the work week, the grind, and the frequent phone and email checks, we allow ourselves a recharge.  Paradoxically, by unplugging...we become more plugged in to what matters most.  A true vacation provides opportunities for an assessment of our home, work, and family balance from outside the box.  A reevaluation in a sense.  A fresh perspective.  And a check in with ourselves to say...'hey, how ya doin?'  

too big for this yet?

Do what you must to insert a getaway into your annual goals.  Stop drinking Starbucks and put that money away for the next trip...start a micro business that will pay for one...cancel cable tv for the Spring and Summer.  Whatever you have to do...do it!  The experience of a vacation has such a valuable return on investment (click here for my post on r.o.i.) compared with buying tangible items.  

Happy summer to you.

the 4th

Music:  Click here for one of my favorite bands...and a song that reminds me of summer. 

dear dad

'fathers be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do'  - john mayer

fäT͟Hər:  a man in relation to his natural child or children

Dear dad,


today is a celebration of you...of all the characteristics and actions you take on in your parental role.  There is probably no greater responsibility in this world, so I hope you've taken the entire journey seriously.  And even considering that I'm now 37 years old, your job isn't done.  You can't retire from this one.  I need more from you.  I'm going to ask for more help and advice in the future...and your related position as a grandfather is just beginning.  

Concord monitor photo - White Park - circa 1982 - fundamentals 

Thinking of when you began the dad journey, I often wonder what you were thinking then...if you planned it out...how you anticipated the experience.  Did you put money aside...try to work extra hours?  Did you want a boy?  Were you nervous as hell?

I know that when I found out I was going to become a dad, a sway of emotions overtook me.  And I immediately came to, 'ok, how the heck am I going to do this?'  I read some books, inquired with other parents, and planned out many ideas...like my daughter will only eat fully organic foods, mixed up in this trendy new blender, and...I will only put reusable diapers on my daughters bum, and...I need to open a bank account for Matilda's college fund asap!  However, I found that some of these efforts were unrealistic.  Some too lofty.  And some came from advice from parents who made a ton of mistakes themselves.  In the end, we're all 'winging it' as parents.  Doing the best we can...and practicing a lot of on-the-job training.  No one knows all of the answers.  And many of the answers work only for specific children, or at specific times.  Therefore, we can all judge a little less harshly.  

presence

So dad, whatever you did during that time?  It's great.  You probably made some tough decisions and came through with some great execution.  I thank you so much for that!  You probably made a ton of mistakes...and you know what?  I forgive you for all of them.  I mean, look how I turned out!

I believe it's easy for parents to get caught up in the details of what they must do in order for their kids to be the best on the block.  I find myself wrapped up in that all too often.  But if we step back and take a more general perspective, understanding that parents are more than the sum of all of their parts, we can cherish dearly the fact that our simple 'presence' within our children's lives is what can contribute to a successful cultivation, an overall healthier society, and a fulfilled 'next' generation.

Mom, Dad, and the Tilly Monster - this makes me happy

After all dad, I don't remember you teaching me how to shave.  I do remember eating McDonalds after some of my basketball games.  I'm not sure if you showed me how to tie my shoes with the one loop method or if that was someone else.  But I can't remember a time when you weren't present in my life.  You were always either there, or one simple thought away from being there.  I've always known where you were...or at least thought I did.  I can always think in my mind where you most likely are.  That must be so significant!  37 years of that presence.  That takes effort, and unconditional love, and careful attention.  That describes effective communication, and respect, and integrity, and strong morals and values. 

Matilda's 2nd Easter...with her Grampa

the next phase...grandparenting

Sometimes I wonder how I became a certain way, or came to understand something, or why I believe in particular ideas, or practice parenting how I do.  I have to conclude that your presence has greatly contributed to that.  And again, many of these things seem to have been passed down with no direct speaking of, no detailed lesson taught (even though there were those too).  No, this feels more like a security that I was afforded and a comfort that I was allowed...in which I was able to grow and learn and start holding things as my own.  Thank you.  

I honestly do hope to be as good of a dad to Matilda as you've been to me.  There will be so many things I do differently though, and I know that's ok.  I am trying to use that 'presence' though...and will continue.  Time will tell!


                                                                                  your son,
                                                                                  james   







Music:  I love this song...and it does have some 'Dad' connections within it.  Enjoy!

en·tre·pre·neur äntrəprəˈnər

'the most dangerous thing you can do in life is play it safe' - Casey Neistat

Sit down.  Don't talk.  Raise your hand.  Stay in line.  Don't be late.  Quiet down.  Put that away.  Share.  Read this.  Watch that.  You can eat now.  Play like this.  Don't speak out.  Settle down.  Be prepared. 

This is what our kids are told...time and time again.  What must become slowly and steadily ingrained is the idea that they should all conform, follow the crowd, learn how everyone else does, choose a career, spend a lot of money to study within that field with a college education, find a company to work for, and work...so that you can afford things like a car and a house and a latte...then, they will be successful. 

Are we introducing and exposing our children to enough entrepreneurial ideas to truly let them know about other options they may have?  At Concord High School, I can remember one single unit within I believe an Economics class.  Mr. Denoncourt worked so hard with us to help us pronounce the word en-tre-pre-neur.  I said it wrong until college.  I don't remember a single thing from that unit we studied however...but I'm sure it was thorough in explaining the option for citizens to...yippee! start your own business!  You could make and sell cookies with your mom, or you could design a tshirt, and sell it out of the trunk of your car.  I'm sure the text book detailed some of the easier fields to enter as a business starter, like construction, landscaping, or dog walking.  I'm sure one of the bolded subject headings was 'be your own boss', and we probably discussed as a class the pros and cons to running your own company.  Mr Denoncourt was genuine in his efforts, I am sure.  But all I remember is äntrəprəˈnər.  

Considering the loyalty once involved in working for a company, and the lack of commitment and loyalty in present times, we owe it to our kids to expose them to more.  One unit is not enough.  I'm sure there was more within my high school curriculum and I just missed it...I was in a fog most of the time.  But I know there wasn't enough.  

Years ago, one could be very secure in choosing a company to work for, sticking with that job for many years, and then retiring with a good sized pension to ride off into the sunset with.  It is not the same today.  It's predicted that our youngest workers will hold around 12-15 jobs in their lifetime.  It's also commonly noted that the average worker will make 5-7 career changes during there career.  It is simply a very different workplace.



Speak out.  Hustle.  Grind.  Don't sleep.  Find a loophole.  Challenge authority. The time is right now.  Make your own line to stand in.  You are creative.  Develop grit.  Ask more questions.  Better questions.  Come up with ideas.  More than that.  Start something now.  Take the risk.  Don't seek comfort.  Don't listen to me.  Do whatever the #%@$ you want to do, whenever the #%@$ you want to do it.  

What if these were some ideas we showered our kids with?  That's it...I'm starting a school, and the paragraph above will serve as the uncommon core curriculum.  The mission statement will have to be, 'do whatever the #%@$ you want to do, whenever the #%@$ you want to do it'.  When I step back and think, that phrase can simply define success like no other.  Children and adults alike could find so much happiness and success by first searching, finding, discovering, and identifying their own passions and loves...and then working, playing, and living within those areas as much as possible.  I'm not sure our schools, our communities, our parents, our culture is set up for that.  

I want my daughter Matilda to know that there are many paths.  And that she has many choices.  She'll be able to pronounce entrepreneur this year.  I'm going to introduce her to my uncommon curriculum...though I might leave out the do whatever you want part for now.  I'm still figuring this parenting thing out.  She will though, be able to dream something up, take a risk, and even fail, knowing that she'll have help to get up and find a different way.

In the short term, we're starting a small farm stand called The Grower's Daughter.  Matilda is very excited about this.  She'll be selling some plants we started from seed, some breads that we made, cookies, vegetables and honey in the Fall, and whatever else comes to mind.  The Grand Opening is tomorrow from 11-1pm at our house...so please stop by to say hello!  I'm hoping that this new adventure will play a small part in helping her develop some skills, passion, and even some hustle.  



Music:  Here is a beautiful song called Cherry Wine by Hozier.  It actually raised awareness and funds for domestic violence.  Enjoy!

gamble on a school night

'a ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for'  - William Shedd

Spontaneity.  It was 1998.  I was a senior in high school, and it was a school night.  I was sleeping over my friends house though, and two other guys were staying over too.  My host-friend suggests that because his mom is asleep (must have been 9 or 10pm), we should take her car and drive to Foxwoods Casino.  We can have the car back before she wakes up, and even make it to school first thing in morning.  

I was never spontaneous.  I'd say I was nervous, shy, scared of the unknown, and therefore calculated and somewhat structured in my ways.  When this journey to Connecticut from Concord, NH was brought up, I probably started asking, 'well ok, how long does it take to get there?  Do we all have enough money?  How old do you have to be to enter a Casino...to gamble?  What classes do we have in the morning, and what time do we have to be back...exactly?  And that means we'll have to leave Foxwoods to return at blah blah blah.  I can see my friend smirking now...and telling me that none of that matters.  We're just going.  

Somehow we actually did make it to Foxwoods and started gambling.  When we were huddled around my friend at one of the tables as he was doing well, we noticed security guards in nice suits approaching.  They split us up and asked us questions.  Mostly about our age or birthdates.   Then they told my friend to cash out on his winnings, and told us all to get lost.  We got home in time to quietly push the car back into my friend's garage, and sneak into his room as though we'd been there all night.  His mom had to know.  But she never showed it.  We went to school on maybe a half hour of sleep.  But the stories and excitement were enough to make that next day, one of the best days of my high school career.  Today, as I did that day, I can reflect on the awesome feelings of freedom, bravery, risk, adrenaline, and a sense of brotherly love that this experience created for me.  

I wish I figured out then that spontaneity was special.  It was part of that experience.  It was central to it, and key to the everlasting memory it solidified within me.  I wasn't at all self-aware then though.  I probably couldn't pronounce spontaneity.  And even though I was easily influenced by others and did have fun doing crazy things in the following years, I never embraced the idea of improvising in my life.  I needed a script. 

A couple of weeks ago, I quickly grabbed a couple of snacks, some wipes, my new cheap and obnoxious mirror lens sunglasses, and Matilda, and hopped in the car without knowing where we were going.  I know...you probably do this like every weekend.  But I couldn't think back to when I had last done it.  Kind of made me sad.  Anyway, I still live in Concord, NH.  And what I love about my geographic location is that all within about one hour away...I can drive North to the White mountains, east to the ocean, or south to the city of Boston.  All great options.  Matilda asked where we were going.  'I don't know Til...we're just going on an adventure...and we get to choose where we go.'  I told her that I was now leaning toward Portsmouth over on the coast, but then I remembered those fun books I used to read and I told her this is called 'choose your own adventure...and you get to choose!'  She said she didn't really want to go to Portsmouth, and wanted to go to Mother and Child, a pretty hip consignment shop in Amherst that her mom had brought her to.  So that was it!  We found a cool dress for her, played hide and seek in all the clothes, and upset one of the old employees who thought we were being too loud.  It wasn't Foxwoods.  It was incredibly fun though.  Matilda was able to choose it.  And that morning, I never would have guessed that this experience would have been in my future.  

Don't try this at home

I noticed a huge change within myself after having a child.  Matilda has helped me learn so many great things...one of them being the ability to 'embrace spontaneity'.  Children often live in the moment.  Not reflecting on previous behaviors.  Not planning out the steps to our future.  Simply enjoying this moment.  They make quick, thoughtless decisions based on passion, desire, love.  They often don't know the consequences of making the wrong choice, choosing the wrong person, wearing the miscalculated dress, or chomping on Nerds candy instead of an organic apple.  

Don't let fear get in the way of being spontaneous.  Embrace the risk involved.  Acknowledge an uncomfortable feeling, but let yourself be ok there...and remember how much you can learn there.  About yourself and others.  Go on more 'choose your own adventures', let your kid choose their own outfit and then splash in the puddles, jump on the bed with them, and eat lots more Nerds.    

Could be my favorite pic of all time

music:  One of the best guitar players in the world.  Prolific writer.  Pop, electric, or acoustic. Every album is good...including his new 'The Search for Everything'.  John Mayer.   Click here and check this out! 

go be it

'The chains of  habit are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken' - Warren Buffett

Music:  Click here to listen to one of my favorite all around bands...Dawes.  They're from California, and have been described as having a Laurel Canyon sound.  The singer/guitar player has an awesome 1960's telecaster...for all you guitar buffs out there.  His brother plays drums in the band...and they have a special harmony when they sing together.  Griffin, the drummer, takes hipster to a whole new level.  I secretly want to be this guy for a week.  Enjoy!   

  

What inspires you?  What get's your juices flowing?  Is it sports, politics, family, education, music?  We all have certain experiences when we feel engaged and intrigued.  And we are all so different as to what flicks that switch for us.  

More and more, I've been trying to live closer to those things that are inspirational for me.  I wonder if all of us do this enough.  I know for me, for a long time...I didn't.  Whether out of fear, insecurities, self-doubt, or many other reasons, we often don't try new things or pursue avenues we are unsure of.  And that is surely something to regret.  I remember reading something a while back (can't remember the source) in which older people that were near the end of their lives...basically gave advice on how to live.  Most of the regrets had to do with things they hadn't done or tried.  And the best advice was to live with passion, don't care what others think, take more risks, and worry less.  Living this way enriches our lives and creates happiness for ourselves and those around us.  

Last summer, the band Dawes that I introduced above, was playing in Portsmouth, NH at Prescott Park.  I found out about it last minute and asked a couple friends to go.  But it was the morning of the show and no one was able to.  I had really just started listening to them.  I was inspired and had to see them.  But I wasn't too psyched about going alone, parking would be tough, the place would probably be packed, wouldn't be able to find a good seat, might be too cold.  These are the negative thoughts that immediately ran through my head.  Something I've done a lot of in the past, and something I'm always working on reversing.  Anyway, I showed up to a beautiful setting on the water.  The place wasn't packed at all, and I was able to sit on the grass on the right side of the stage.  I was right next to that hipster drummer, and had an incredible view of everything.  I felt like I had a backstage pass or something.  As they played, the sun set, creating a golden glow over the park, and I knew...this was one of those inspirational moments for me.  Families were dancing. The decades old guitar...ancient and full of scratches, rust, and wear, was still somehow sending out smooth and well-tuned notes.  And I noticed how much effort the band was putting in to creating each song, staying in time with one another, reading cues, and making this feel like their only show...not one of many on their tour. 

That experience, along with many others, has inspired me to be more 'musical'.  And I've created some habits to make sure that happens...because for me, it creates happiness, and it brings me closer to that passionate way of living.  It's actually really simple.  Why not try to do more of the things we like doing?

Having Matilda around has totally brought light to this.  The kid is always living in the moment, and as the innocence and naivety of childhood provides, simply doing the things she really wants to be doing.  It's of course a balance for us parents to allow as much of that as possible, while also showing boundaries and limitations.  This seems to be a conversation I'm having everyday now.   And I absolutely love it!

I feel strongly though that in order to harness your passion...to secure it and hold it for future access...you must act immediately, or soon after your inspirational experience.  We have so many thoughts.  So many distractions.  You need to make sure to somehow follow through on your experience.  This could be as simple as going home and writing a journal entry about your thoughts and feelings, and tying that in to your goals.  It could be setting up another date with that person.  Maybe it's buying your first guitar.  Starting to exercise more.  Or starting a business!  Whatever it is, use your passion as a catalyst.  It will help propel you to happiness and an inspirational life that is actually tailor fit for you!  It's like being your own life coach.  

Do you ever say, 'that would be fun', or 'I should do that', but then find that you have reasons or excuses or distractions that get in the way?  Just the simple awareness of your thoughts surrounding this will prove to be very helpful.  And I've said this before...mindfulness and meditation are amazing tools...especially when it comes to self-awareness.  Once you are aware, you can start creating everyday habits that are directly linked to what you truly want.  I believe in using routines and habits to instill these values...especially if you're an old dog learning new tricks.  I'll share some of the routines that help me in another post.  

The next time you feel emotional, passionate, truly inspired...go be it!

What does inspire you...and how do you find it in your every day?

Please follow below if you like what you read...thank you!  



    

born and raised

'When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence'    - Thich Nhat Hanh

Music:  I would say Justin Vernon is somewhat of a musical genius.  His band, Bon Iver, is pretty special.  Click HERE to listen while you read! 

What does it take to raise our children properly?  And when are they 'raised'?  How can we measure what we've done...what they've done...and decide if they've grown up, succeeded...if we've succeeded as parents?

I think about this a lot.  And I'm always trying to gather answers from books (just finished 'Duct Tape Parenting, and I loved 'Parenting without Borders'...check my reading list HERE), and other parents, and family.  Parenting is unique and intriguing.  We're all just trying to do what we think is best, and use what we believe to be, the most effective strategies in order to prepare our children for the future.  Do we employ methods our parents used that proved to help us, and that left us with happy memories?  Do we fall into inevitable patterns and behaviors that we swore to ourselves we'd never practice?

With the fact that I'm only 4 years into parenting, new experiences, and questions, and trial and error, have been frequently arising.  It's forced me (or allowed me) to strengthen my opinions regarding methods, search deeper for more understanding, and laugh when I catch myself thinking I've figured it all out.  I have figured out a little actually, and have gathered some ideas I believe in:


Circle of Elephants

Our children do best with a strong support structure around them.  We as parents can fulfill the immediate needs of our kids.  But we can't do it all.  This is the 'it takes a village' idea.  There are so many obstacles and challenges in our children's future.  There are many hyenas trying to get at our baby elephants.  Our community is where we can find and select our other elephants that will create a circle around our calf.

Matilda with her Aunt McCall

We should look to our relatives, our friends, our schools, our neighbors, our church, our coaches and others that we trust to be part of our network.  I think this is such a healthy way to 'use' people.  And immediately that term brings up a host of negative connotations.  However, along with a love, companionship, trust, and reverence we have for these folks around us, we can also simply appreciate that they all offer wonderful and diverse perspectives, beneficial for raising our kids.  If this is a consideration of yours, you'll be able to 'use' their help.  And especially as the children grow older, they'll hopefully see some individuals in the circle as mentors, and will be able to access them on their own.




Math

There are 168 hours in a week.  How much time did you spend last week in the immediate presence of your child?  I mention 'immediate presence' because I feel strongly about our proximity, and accessibility, and availability to our children.  We can't be home, but removed.  Nearby but inaccessible.  And we can't just rely on our Circle of Elephants, before we've created a strong, healthy pack at home.

Matilda's seedlings are fragile but resilient

My daughter, Matilda was born prematurely, and needed to stay at the hospital for a month or so.  Fortunately, the hospital she was delivered in (Catholic Medical Center), was practicing 'couplet care'.  This is an evidence based best practice in maternity care, encouraging the mother and baby to be as close and together as much as possible during their stay.  I'm guessing the research and evidence with Dads is lacking...I don't see much.  And from my perspective as a single Dad, I'm starting to notice more discrepancies and cultural norms and interesting gender roles like that still present in today's world.  With that said, I still attempted to be as close to Matilda as possible, for as much time as possible...even so close as practicing 'skin-to-skin' contact when able, in order to strengthen our bond and concentrate on that connection.

Maybe we could consider Malcolm Gladwell's 10,000 hour rule, in which he proposes that we need to practice something for 10,000 hours in order to achieve mastery.  Maybe if we are around our children for that many hours...they will be 'raised'!  You see, I try to think of standard time with our children as addition.  Just add up the hours.  However, I believe in somewhat of a multiplier option.  The closer you are to your children...the more multiplication is happening.  Some might see this as 'attachment parenting'.  And by the way, the definitions for that mostly speak of a closeness for mother and child...doesn't mention as much on Dads...there's something wrong with that!  Anyhow, during the earlier

stages of the child's life, it's even more exponential.  I think we can make a single hour become 1.1 or 1.2 hours with this practice.  Another way to multiply is to think of the intensity of the experience
together.  This can be emotionally or physically.  Think about if you went rock climbing with your child for an hour...and compare that to playing Angry Birds with them for an hour.  This significance of the experience is multiplied on out.  Be careful though, a once-a-month movie date does not compete with 30 days of dinner at the table together.  It doesn't add up.

If we are around our kids for an hour before school, and lets say three hours after...is that enough?  4 hours in a given day?  Let's also say we spend more time with them on the weekend...maybe 10 hours per day.  So 20 hours on a weekend, and 20 total during the week.  That's 40 hours out of the 168 available.  This is obviously a very general estimate...maybe way low or way high for you.  But I would guess it's close to average.   Is it enough?  Is that enough time for us to reach our goals as parents?  Is it enough to raise our kids properly?

This, for me, brings in the question of schools or daycare.  If a child is on the bus, at school/daycare, attending an after school activity for 8 hours a day/ 40 hours a week...that's the same amount of time that we are spending on them...investing in them ourselves.  It must be stated that we are placing a huge responsibility...an immense pressure...on those institutions we send our children to.  At the same time, we as parents are holding a tremendous amount of trust and faith in these people and places.

Matilda made this at her pre-school.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I've been to school.  I've found amazing teachers and mentors.  I've had some bad ones.  Some helped me overcome obstacles, and challenged me, and helped me grow.  Some seemed out to lunch, cold, unavailable.  I've also taught high school English, and held other positions at schools.  I wonder if I was ever 'out to lunch'.  Oh no!  There were definitely moments when I was!  Sorry kids.  And parents.  I only say this because I'm not sure we think enough about how our kids time is spent, if our teachers are amazing...incentivized and rewarded to be such, if the administration allows that.  "It's a good school district," is what I hear from many parents...but I often wonder where that came from and if they truly know what's happening for the 40 hours a week...if their situation is truly the best use of that time.  It's such a hard question.  And what are our options?  Moving, private schooling, homeschooling, unschooling?  Maybe it's as simple as having that conversation with the teacher that you've been meaning to have.  I think these are all worth exploring.

What are your best tips for parenting?  What are the books or films that have helped you the most? Do you have a circle of elephants? Please comment, share, post, and follow if you like!



 


      

Not in my locker room

'If you do not tell the truth about yourself, you cannot tell it about other people'

- Woolf

Two days ago, on March 8, we celebrated International Women's Day.  It spurred up a lot of appreciation I have for all of the women in my life.  I thought back to the great grandmothers and grandmothers I used to have in my life.  They were all so awesome and admirable, and provided such valuable insights.  Their lives seemed to span such wide timelines and generations, soaking up all of the wisdom and knowledge from wherever they roamed.  Just looking at them, you could see that they were 'holders' of all that information...like ancient stones among us, that have rolled a little bit of everywhere. And like the trunks of trees, sturdy and unwavering, while the rest of us stemming from them, sway and swerve up in the wind. They maintained such a stoic and solid form, but now I recognize that they also put up with more stuff than warranted, and were just able to maintain that loving, caring, gentle 'Grammy' status when I was around. I miss them.

I'm also so lucky to have such a great mom that lives nearby, and 4 sisters that I appreciate.  I remember growing up...dad would be at work...and I'd look around thinking, really?  All these girls around?  I can't watch another dance recital of my younger sisters on VHS.  I can't pretend I'm in the band Heart anymore with my older sister.  I wish I had all brothers!  Well, that was just a short phase sis's, and I can't be more grateful to have gone through all that.  It has provided a wonderful foundation...a unique perspective...and a specific tide that has carried me through to today.  

Right before my daughter was born, I remember some folks asking if I was hoping for a boy...if I was looking forward to playing catch with him...teaching him basketball (the sport that has been central to my life since college).  While all those experiences sounded great, I never really had that urge, and at the time I didn't know why.  I could tell that many dads to be, or new dads...were really into that, and couldn't wait to have a junior around.  And I don't think I ever voiced that I wanted a girl over a boy, or even articulated that in my thoughts.  It was more of a subtle pull, and maybe a feeling that I'd be better prepared for a girl.  Not sure why at that moment it wasn't completely clear that growing up with four sisters might help when having a daughter.  But it did.  And when I found out 'it's a girl', I felt like Poppy when it's HUG TIME!  

Having a daughter has led me to consider new ideas, and think about equality within the sexes.  Should my daughter have the same opportunities as boys her age?  Should she be able to make the same amount of money for the same job that a male works?  Should she be comfortable and free to be strong, outspoken, or even radical?  Damn right she should.  Go do it girl!

Matilda...working on her L's...for 'radicaL'

This week, I heard a woman speaking of the 'locker room talk' subject that was such a focus during this past year's election.  I have to say this...when that term was used, I (being a man) felt generalized...grouped into this stereotype of all men that talk about women like that to other men...in areas like locker rooms.  Since then, I haven't heard any guy dispute that.  I have not gone looking online.  I'm sure those guys are out there.  I forgot about it for a while, but then hearing it again this week gave me the nudge to finally get it out.  

We don't all talk like that. Guys don't just leisurely use that language when women aren't around...at least guys that are in my circle.  Of course different social environments bring out a variety within our language.  Just as I remember speaking differently when walking in to Grammy's house.  But I just have to speak for myself here...and make it clear that I'm not in that group.  I don't talk like that...and that doesn't happen here.  Not in my locker room.

By the way, I have some reading recommendations for this topic.  Last year, I read 'We should all be Feminists', by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.  It's a great essay, directly calling to keep feminism alive, and recognize the injustices in our current landscape.  A couple of weeks ago, I read 'Men explain things to me', by Rebecca Solnit.  This is a collection of 7 essays, some of them full of hard to read statistics...and all of them helpful in understanding gender inequalities.   

Part 2:

On a lighter note, if I had a locker room...music would be there.  Music has been a huge part of my every day in the past year or so.  For some reason, I had put it away for a while.  It was something for the car, or for exercise, or mowing the lawn.  But it wasn't a focus.  More recently, I've been exploring music, learning about, diving in, looking for connections, trying to play it myself, finding more emotional responses, and constantly searching for artists to appreciate more of.  It's opened up a whole new world for me and I can't get enough.  Click HERE to listen to an artist that I think has 'it'.  

What do I mean by 'it'?  What does Shakey have that others don't?  What comes to mind for me is the ability to convey the original message or thoughts into the final product.  In other words, an artist has ideas, thoughts and feelings and creates something related to that.  However, sometimes with the tools at hand (voice, guitar, paintbrush, camera, etc.), that message may change...may be lost in translation.  And the final product, presented as a song, a poem, a painting...may not get at the original scope.  In this song...this performance...I feel that everything is brought out.  The sounds and words feel sifted through the artists own strainer.  Filtered and processed with all the right tools, at the right pace, and with all the perspective that only this artist can provide.

Maybe it's just an authenticity that I recognize, or a genuineness felt.  My words are what I feel about the art...but I cannot know the artists true desire or goals for a piece.  When I was younger, I used to try to 'figure out' a lot of songs, and always wondered, what are they really saying here, what are they going through that made them create this, who is this meant for???  What I've come to realize, and what I really love about art though, is that it's all about how it makes me feel.  It's that simple.  I think the art is simply what the artist was feeling at that given moment.  Song lyrics aren't all true or real life, they're not all attached to one person, and I don't think it's fair for the observer to determine the original meaning of the piece. We can only guess. I've found a much deeper connection by simply trying to 'feel' a song or a painting, not trying to necessarily define it.  

Anyway, I hope you feel it like I do!